I feel like this big disappointment, all i keep doing is letting people down.
It used to be that no one knew i was disappointing them, so it was easier to forget about it, but now you know everything and it makes me feel guilty for being such a big disappointment.
I do want to get better - and be totally 100% free of this. But right now i am so normal (to everyone else) that i sometimes start to fool myself and i start believing my own act that maybe I am normal, maybe Im already recovered. But then you remind me that Im not recovered and that i need help cos I still have the mind of a mentally ill person.
Its hard, cos i feel as though i have already come so far, I have come to London, I have survived the 2 years away when i thought i wouldnt. I am eating, I am going out with friends. 2 years ago, I wasnt eating anything but salad, I was rarley going out and although i sitll hate my body, the way i look and my weight, im doing my best to ignore those feelings and just get on with travelling and enjoying the last few months i have left here before i have to go home and face the reality and the depth of evrything inside my head
And no maybe i cant see that its NOT all about the numbers, and i feel guilty and stupid and childish for not being able to realise so much and think rationally. I try really hard to see your point and deep down i kno you are right but its so hard cos I hear something totally different being said inside my head. And its hard to not believe yourself - even if you are wrong!
Im sorry that I keep doing this, Im sorry
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1 comment:
Wow, I get this. Its so hard when you are back to looking healthy but still feeling and thinking all the negatives in your head. People see you and there like 'wow you look so much better' and that makes you want to scream because deep down you don't want to look better? Its hard to believe their is a problem when you look fine right? But there is a problem Amy? Its a mental and physical illness, and maybe you look physically healthy but you could be worse off mentally? You know its never too late to seek help, even just somebody to talk to. And you know I am always here. Love you.
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