Overview as of now

So i joined the gym on Monday, weight is 54kgs with 21% body fat (am so embarrased to post that)
But i am going to be 48kgs by July when i go off travelling - i have to!!
I have to prove to everyone that i can achieve something and be good at something.
I dont want my cousin telling me i have gained weight and my flat mate saying i look good, like im eating again!!
i dont want that. as sick as it sounds, i want someone to say - you look ill.
Why do i want that?! How twisted am i!?!

I have been bingeing on so much crisps, biscuits and shit food, i am having fruit and vege and salad this week. going ok so far (but it is only tuesday) had a couple biscuits today - wish they hadnt shown me where they were kept at work. its like a out of body moment, i dont want them, but im on auto pilot going straight over there and eating them!! :/

Went on the watitangi day pub crawl on sat. bumped into Aneia and Rosemary and Lexi who are travelling, have caught up with aneia before.. i get the feeling like i did when i was in high school, like im some loser to them. like they are looking down on me, and im not good enough. its a horrible feeling. When Aneia called me over to say hi, i was mortified, like why is she talking to me, she ignores me all the time, all my messages, but will say hi to me? is it to make me feel even smaller around her??
i dont know why i want them to think im good enough, but i jus do, its like i want their acceptance or something.

I dunno. Im jus rambling on....