The hunger hurts me
but makes me feel powerful
The food angers me
yet nourishes me
The exercising tires me
but I have to continue
The friends annoy me
but i need them
The voice lies to me
but i still listen to it
The mirror stares at me
and wont leave me alone
The scales scare me
but i need to be thin
The person inside me is me
and wants to be free

Goals... Wishes... Hopes.... Dreams....

So I was sitting here thinking what I can write about today and I suddenly thought I'm gonna write down my goals and hopes and dreams and wishes for the future...
so here goes... honestly im not sure where to begin. Im torn between making a goal about recovering and making a goal about losing weight.

Goal for 2009 - To survive living on my own.
Wish for 2009 - To go skiing at christmas time
Hope for 2009 - To lose at least 5 kgs
Dream for 2009 - All of the above

Goal for 2010 - To travel Europe for 3 months in Summer
Wish for 2010 - To go home having done all I want to do
Hope for 2010 - To survive living on my own in London
Dream for 2010 - To meet someone who will make me happy

Sunday Night out

So last night Iwent out with my new mate Anna who I met through work.
We went and had some wines and chatted then got drunk and went to a club.
Things were going ok then this guy grabbed me from behind and wouldnt let me go ... Anna asked if i was ok and i assured her im fine keep dancing.
Then about an hour later the same thing happened but a different guy and this guy wrapped his arms right around my body and wouldnt let me go.
I ran off to the toilets and Anna came with me and asked why I was getting so freaked out.
She said guys will grab me all the time while im out in London - i cant freak out every time.

I dunno why I panicked - I just had this thought in my head that he was rape me and that every guy that touched me while i was on the dance floor or tried to dance with me wanted to hurt me. It was a comlpteley irrationale fear and i realise that now but last night i felt so scared.

When is the fear gonna stop??

Day 1 of the new flat

So today I think I have done really well - i had a sausage s/w this morning. My flat mate bought it into me without me knowing - i wasnt sure what to do. I ate most of it. but had to throw the last 1/2 cos just felt to gross.
I then had some lunch in Chinatown - noodles.
I do find it much easier when no one around me knows the demons inside my head.
They just think I am a normal kinda girl... which is what i would love to be!
Im prob not gonna have any dinner tho. I feel as tho ive eaten loads today.
And im def not hungry at the mo. See how i feel later. I have some salad in the fridge.

But i think my first day was ok. See how long i can keep this charade up hey!

I dont know why she does it

I have noticed some things with Kelly...
everytime something is going wrong for me (nothing serious) she says things that only make me more annoyed instead of jus saying "oh man that sucks" she says " you need to be patient" or "calm down"
EXAMPLE: tonight my hotmail was being a bitch and i was annoyed at it and i said so and she jus said to give it a few days and be patient - um hello - how does that help? If it was her emails that were playing up im sure she wouldnt jus calm down or be patient??

EXAMPLE: I break a mug (this when we in Paris) and im obviously pissed off at myself! Im such a knob head all the freaking time! She jus walks away then says - well dont get shitty at me!
Of course i wasnt shitty at her! Why would i be? I did it!
Why didnt she jus say "fuck that sucks! We can go buy a new one" or something like that

I dunno. sometimes i jus feel like she cant or wont sympathise... not that i want sympathy tho! I dunno. Jus annoyed cos ive notice this happen a coulpe times now.
Maybe its jus her personality??
Maybe she jus doesnt like it when people complain?? who knows

thing is.. when its something more serious sometimes she is ok... i still get that feeling like she is better than me.. and she knows it. Like she isnt failing at life and she rubs it in or something.
and she cant accept the fact that right now im doing ok.. im in a happy place and excited about life and things.. she jus still sees me as suffering and not doin ok. which i know she thinks cos she said she doesnt want me to move to London cos she is scared i wont eat.. instead of jus being happy for me and excited like everyone else.. she has to remind me what a useless fat disgusting failure i am.

Its kinda ruined my last night here tho! cos now i remember why i am moving to London - I feel so smothered here sometimes! Trapped!

London Here I come

The last prob almost 2 weeks I have been feeling pretty good. I have been eating ok. I have even had chocolate!
Dont get me wrong I would give anything to be thin and I want it more than anything in the world. But at the moment I have things to look forward to.
* Moving to London tomoro
* Spain in August
* Meeting my sister in September
* Possibly disneyland Paris in September!

I wonder how long this cycle will last!
The last time I was in this state of mind was prob August of last year! Just before I came over here.

Fat Night In

So tonight I had what I like to call a 'fat attack' which i when i catch myself in the mirror with no top on and realise how fat and disgusting i truly am. Then my sister walks in.... and asks whats wrong.. i grab my fat and she goes "jus the usual" and walks out. Then txts and says she is there if i wanna talk.
I dont even know how to describe my feelings.
Worthless cos she just turned and walked out- did ask if i wanted to talk but then txt me instead. knowing full well i wasnt gonna say yeah come back.
Unwanted -she doesnt actually care. She jus txt that cos she has too. its the right thing to do.

Thing is - if kelly hadnt come in. I would have cried some more maybe done some more sit ups and gone to bed crying. And woken up fine. but now i jus feel embarrassed and ashamed.
Ive been trying so hard to be ok. This is the first time in almost 2 weeks i have felt like this!

then i get a txt saying "mmmm strange cos i am worried bout how thin yr looking and how size 8 clothes are too big and am very worried bout this for you in london as i know you wont eat enough"
So now.. not only am i worthless and unwanted and ashamed, i am also an annoyance, making people worry.

London is going to be good for me. No im not going to eat big fat meals every night. I will eat when i get hungry and only when i get hungry. I will eat low cal food ALL the time. No fats etc! I can do things my way. Kelly shouldnt worry cos i have it all under control and planned out.

I know i have to eat... otherwise i will die. But im jus gonna eat what i have to .... nothing more.

Eat to live not live to eat!

Mood Swings

So I have kind of discovered that the happier I am one minute the more sadder/down I am a few minutes later.

Example : tonight I was really excited that I had got a job with this event company and about looking at a flat tomoro... then my sis said i should still job hunt tonight and flat hunt cos i might still need too!
I had been so incredibly excited and happy then all of a sudden it was like a balloon burst and i was almost in tears. I didnt wanna job or flat hunt right now I jus wanted to enjoy my moment.

Then later - feeling good again then sitting on the couch and i look at a photo of me and look at how disgusting i look, how fat i am! And cant help but feel down again!

The higher the high the lower the low!

So fricken Fat!

To be honest I know that i should be getting better and get healthy but all i really want to do is starve and be thin. I wanna eat salads all day and go for runs and feed the voice in my head. Cos as much as i dont want to believe her. I also do want to believe her.
I know i dont look thin - or sick and i really want to be thin. Not sick but thin!

Kelly wont let me not eat. She will only make me feel guilty.

When i move to London I can eat what i want when i want and not have anyone watching me.

I think the counselling isnt going to help. How does talking about how useless and disgusting I am change anything!?!

Too Much

Its all just getting too much right now.
Finding a job, counselling, the voice in my head, finding a place to live, scott.
Kelly just tells me im just like all the rest of the people who move to London and have to find a job.

I think she has given up. She cant help me and doesnt wanna try anymore. She is sick of having to deal with me and my problems. Just like Kylie was.

I cant talk to her bout stuff now cos she has heard it all before and says i need to deal with it like an adult. I need to grow up and deal with stuff.

Why cant i do that? Why cant i deal with stuff? How do i deal with stuff? Talking to the counsellor? Honestly i dont think she is gonna help cos she just doesnt understand it. Maybe she will help me to be able to have a relationship with a guy? But thats bout all.

I just feel really alone and lost. Im trying to focus on so many things at once and i feel like im gonna explode