so hungry right now!

im sittin at my desk at work and im so incredibly hungry! Iv had 2 crackers so far today. No dinner last night!
Im light headed and cant concentrate.
I have the words
"is it worth it" running through my head! And i keep remindin myself - it will be in the long run.
I kno this hunger will pass, i jus hope it will be soon. Cos my head is spinning!
"Fatty isnt hungry!"
"an imperfect body reflects an imperfect person"
"you will be tempted frequently, you will have to chose whether to enjoy yourself wholly for 20 minutes or so that you will be consuming excess calories or whether you will hate yourself and regret it for the next 3 days"
Think thin! Think thin! Think thin!

Please dont leave me!!

So was chatting to my sis about stuff again this arvo and she said that
"yr friends & family who can cope will always be there & the ones that cant may not & u will just have to accept that just like we have to accept u whether u r hurting yrself or not"

and i guess she is right. But i really dont want to lose my cousin - she is my best friend - and i know when i am finally ready to deal with all my demons i will need her support. of all people i need her!!
I've facebooked her to say im sorry and what not. so hopefully she will try and understand and maybe accept that right now im not well but im not ready to get better.

Kelly also said - i hope its worth it -

And i cried for nearly an hour, thinking is it worth it? how many friends am i gonna lose in my battle to be thin! As i get further trapped in this illness i am becoming more and more comfortable with it and i cant imagine myself with out it.

All i think about is food and how to lose weight and what i will look like thin. how many calories in that? how much fat ? how much exercise will i need to do to burn that off!!
Its tiring!!

I really hope i dont lose too many friends, but i have to understand that they cant watch me hurt myself - even tho im not doing this on purpose any more. i jus cant stop!!

I am a screw up!

I was chatting to my cousin on MSN this morning and she asked me how things were etc and said she wanted me to be honest and tell her everything... so i did.
I told her how i hate myself and want more than anything to be thin and happy and she stopped talking to me, so i asked if she was annoyed and she said yeah cos she cant understand why i am doing this.
Then she went offline!

I then txt my sister cos i feeling so bad now, and told her what happened and she replied
"Thats sad but i can also see where she is coming from, you have so much good stuff going on just wish you could see all the good things about you that we do"

So now i feel even worse. I wish i could jus stop this! I am ruining so much and hurting so many people. why do i have to be liek this! I jus feel like a screw up!!

Where are the scales

I am actually so scared to weigh myself now it has been nearly a month and i havent weighed myself! I need to do it but im too scared that i will be huge so im on a low cal diet (again)

I felt so sick today cos i have eaten barely anything all week. I had the shakes and head spins and felt like i was gonna spew so had some bread roll :(

I am so tempted to buy some scales jus so i know how huge i am!!

Last weekend was ok, went to ascot races and wore extensions and i felt good for once. Didnt eat much and felt even better!! (me in the blue)

This week

So i think this week has been pretty good.
Mon - had some cheese and crackers coffee and 4pork dumplings! (250 cals)
Tues - coffee (of course) 1/2 sav tart thing and some salad and cereal bar (200 cals)
wed - coffee! cereal bar, salad and a buritto (350? cals)
Thurs - coffee coffee coffee, cereal bar, rivita and tuna and wine (200 cals)

Lets see how friday goes. Its my friends birthday dinner so am a little scared.
2pm is when i get the hungriest! And usually eat my lunch. wed had dinner at a mexican place with a friend. I only had salad for lunch jus lettuce pretty much so thought it be ok for something... plus i dont want her to catch on!!

No dinner for the rest of the evenings. Kinda scared cos dont want my flat mates to ask questions but see what happens.

Im exhuasted too! Prob from a really hard week at work and not enough food. i cant concentrate too well but ah well. the price ya pay to look good huh!
SOon i will look good! One day!!

update on today

So i did pretty well, had some crackers for lunch then 4 dumplings for dinner oh and some prawn crackers too.

Gonna have a s/w tomoro and thats all. Bread is 82 cal per slice and think i wil jus have marmite so low cal spread. so bout 170 cal all up. then coffee and cereal for dinner... 98 cal per 30g... so maybe 50g (small bowl) then i will only go up to 300 cals!!

I can do this!!
"fatty isnt hungry"

SPAIN - thats my focus!

So I have 10 weeks until I go to spain and I am so desperate to lose some weight. I havent weighed myself in 3 weeks and freaking out cos i know i have gained. I really want to weigh myself but am too scared to do it at the store cos too many people!!

I have to look good for when i go away so im cutting my cals back to 200 per day!

I know i can do this. I jus have to stay focused on the end goal and not get distracted by evil food!

Its almost 12 noon now and Ive had coffee and nothing else all day! So im doing ok. If i eat some crackers later when i get really hungry then i wont go over the 100 mark which means i can have some low cal cereal for dinner. But i think we having a bbq for my flat mates brothers last night. So maybe i will have something small then. Jus to keep the supsicions away!

I have to stay focused and cant give into temptation. I wish there was someone in London who i could share al this with and exercise with and stay focused with. I need the support!

I really want to join the gym too but i am too damn scared to exercise in public, i hate running for that reason so i end up exericising in my room when my room mate isnt there. Such a geek but its the only way i can do it!
i think i jus have to toughen up and join the gym, im jus scared people will see all my fat and stare at me and judge me! Ahhhhh

Well i should get back to work. Will prob post another page today to remind myself to stay strong!

I wanna look good for Spain!!
" a moment on the lips forever on the hips!"

sugar cravings and binges!

Im so embarrassed and ashamed and disgusted in myself!

Today i had a massive binge on chocolate biscuits and chocolate and hot choc and more choc biscuits... I feel horrible.
I sat on the floor and cried then frantically exercised to rid myself of the filth!
I wanted to purge but my flat mates were home and im so paranoid im gonna get caught out!

Now i have a sugar headache and the voice is screaming at me!

I have to weigh myself this weekend - im gonna find a boots store or something that has a machine!! I am going insane - i am so scared i have put on a whole heap of weight and panicking about it! So i have to find some scales and either put my mind at rest or confirm my fears!!

Why am i craving sugar so bad - GET CONTROL AMY!!
Jeez how fat do i have to get before i finally take control of myself again!

Why did i think recovery was something i could do??
I cant even walk down the street without thinking about how fat and horrible i am - there are so many skinny girls in London its jus depressing...

Right- new goal
DETOX! Next week - is gonna be a detox week
fruit and vege only!! Please have some self control and stick too it this time fatso!!

Spiral

Why do things have to slowly spiral out of control. i thought things were going good. i have a new job and a new house... and slowly making friends.

but then christie stops talking to me cos she going through a tough time and cant bear to talk to her best mate, then mum moves in with her partner who i dislike cos he treated me like i was 10 years old, then i see mums friend who tells me im looking happy and healthy (fat and plump) and after all this i still stuff my face with food. How disgusting am i!!
oh and my nanas cancer (osephogus cancer) cannot be helped and her breast cancer has returned and im not there to support her or mum! What kind of person does that make me!?

i cant write any more i am too upset.

Dream

Last night i had a horrible dream

I dreamt that I stood on the scales and they said I was 71kgs!!
It was jus horrible. I am so terribly affraid of gaining weight - especially with all the food i have been eating latley!
I really need to be careful. I want to eat but i dont want to gain weight.

I looked the meaning up online

Fat
To dream of being fat often means you are feeling guilty about having done something you shouldn't. If you dream of someone else getting fat, you may have done something towards them that you regret. Or, it could mean that you are jealous of the person in some way.

Fat

To dream that you are fat, signifies a fortunate change in your life or you may be overindulgent. A more literal interpretation of this dream is your fears of gaining weight. You have an skewed perception of your own image which may stem from low self-esteem.

To dream that you are getting fat, denotes that you are about to make a fortunate change in your life.