I purged

So i gave into that voice, and i purged. I was upset and my sister asked whats wrong and i told her that i need to vomit, that i really felt i needed too. She said that i can get thru this.
Then in 5 mins i went upstairs to the bathroom and i started to make myself be sick...i coughed a bit and spat some food out... then i jus cried...

I really didnt want to be doing it but the urge was too strong. I sat on the floor and i cried. I didn't spew all of my dinner up, jus a little bit. I've never been big on the whole make yourself sick, but ive always starved so to feel so full and be told thats the way to be empty and happy again. I had no choice.

My sister heard me coughing so knows what i was doing. I feel so horrible. I have let her down once again. I have let myself down. I am a faliure, once again.

Where are those sleeping tablets when i need them? I'm gonna have to find them... they are somewhere in Kellys room. I want them back. Not that i want to kill myself, but i need them just in case.

I'm thinking of cutting again. I have the urge to do it. I need a release. i need to feel that pain. I know it hurts but i want to feel that pain.

ahhhh what the hell is going on inside me? I am such a mess!

Maybe i will wake up tomoro and be in a different life... a happy, normal person, who's gonna have chocolate cake for breakfast!!
Ha i wish!