Vaughan

So tonight Vaughan finally said something to me about everything. They were talking bout Kelly finding a job and Vaughan suggested me working for them for the next 6 months (over summer) cash in the hand so i can work when they leave. He then went on to say -
"i dont want this to come across as nasty in any way but do you think you are strong enough to live in london on your own. You have a chance to help yourself and i personally think you need to stick with it. london you will be alone, do you think you are ready for it, cos im not 100% sure you are"

I didnt know what to say cos here i am convincing myself london is the right place to go, its what i want, and i was telling myself i could do it. But now im not sure. If no one else thinks i can do it, why should i. and it would be good to work under the table since i only have 8 months left to work but 15 months in the country. Hmmmmm. I dunno. I guess it will all depend on how much kelly wants to work and if she can find a job and if they really want me here for another 6 months.
Cos if i continue with counselling (unsure on that) but if i do... then it not gonna be easy. and sometimes i feel like i am worse off here. cos theyy know so much about me its hard to start over. but guess i can do that when they go home.

Like today for example. kelly offered me a gingerbread man and i said yeah ok and she looked shocked. I almost gave it back cos i instantly felt guilty. How am i gonna be able to get better when no one thinks or believes me??

Decisions decisions