Appointment

So today I had an appointment with a counsellor in Hove that I found online.
I was so nervous i didn't sleep too well last night and woke up feeling sick and scared and nervous and everything!
When we got to the place i was almost sick. I stood outside for a few minutes building up my confidence.
The lady was really nice and told me about herself and asked me all sorts of questions (not jus the shit stuff)
It was scary to open up to a stranger but she made me feel comfortable about it.
Told her about the assault, the ED and then we talked about my family and i told her what an asshole my father is... and that was about it.
She said something which has kinda stuck - rather than thinking of counselling as something i have to do and think of it as a gift to myself and i am doing it for myself.
As i wrote that last sentence I have suddenly thought why do i deserve this? Why think of it as a gift and doing something nice for myself when I have done NOTHING to deserve it.
Damn it...
I was doing so well and thinking so good and now i jus feel like a failure. I dont deserve to give myself a gift, i havent done anything worthy of a gift.
I have come here and caused pain and worry for everyone. I am a selfish person who needs to grow up - i dont deserve to give myself a gift.
I am a fat useless human being what do i deserve!?!