Self Harm

Im not a writer - i wish i could write something well written about how i feel. I jus cant.
Ive had a shitty night. I won VIP entry to pacha and was feeling totally pathetic cos couldnt find 10 people to go! Then my sister said, why didnt i invite her, and she can take the hint.
I didnt invite her cos she is 36, has been sick and has a sick 2 year old son, and has already told me before she prefers quiet places where she can sit and talk....

I feel terrible. I didnt invite her, i would love her to come, but didnt think she would even take me seriously if i asked her.
But now i have hurt her.
I was already hurting and i have spread my hurt to others

so i cut - for the first time in months, i didnt open up an old wound.... i got a fresh razor, tore it apart and took a clean new blade to my right wrist (normally do the left one)
I deserved every minute of the pain. I am a terrible person. It felt good, cold, the blood running down my arm. I sat on my bed and closed my eyes and imagined i was floating away - high up into the blood red sky.

No wonder no one wants to come out with me, I am a terrible, selfish, ugly, fat, worthless human being.

What good do i do to anyone?!
there is nothing i can do right!!
I am not good enough for anyone, let alone myself.
I am a disappointment - people dont realise it yet, cos i am not 100% honest with them.
I dont want them to see me failing, even though i am.
I dont want them to know i cut myself jus to see how much i bleed!
I sometimes wish i had the guts to die. But do i really want to? or is everything just so bad at the point and i am such a f*cking drama queen that i cant handle it all??!!

I take things too personally, i cry and scream. I panic at everything. I am a coward who runs away from my problems, until they get so big that even though i am running they are always around me.
I ran away to the other side of the world, and my problems were right here waiting for me
I wonder if when i go home, they wil stay behind? Not wonder, hope!

Sleep - i need sleep. Tramadol shall help tonight! Valium is what i wish i had. Sleep is what i need!