Friday

So its now Sunday night and I havent spoken to my sister all weekend - normally i talk to her at least once a day either on the phone or on skype or something but I havent heard from her since the comment on friday !!


I cut on Friday too - I felt so useless and worthless and after hearing my sister agree with me. I was sitting in bed thinking Im not actually wanted and all those dark thoughts but then thought I cant do anything cos thats just selfish towards my flat mates who would find me. So instead I broke my new years resolution ... again and cut.

when i started i started slowly, i was kinda scared cos i hadnt done it in so long i was anticipating pain. i was scared more about how i was gonna feel while i was doing it rather than the actual act of cutting itself.
I cut in a new place too this time. I wanted to be able to hide it and feel something different. I cut above the elbow on the inside of the arm on my left arm... it bled like anything but i felt no pain.
I was sitting in bed and blood was running down my arm and into my hand yet i was feeling no pain. So i cut it again making sure to press a little bit deeper, but once again no pain - only more and more blood.
So i took the razor in my left hand and made 2 short quick cuts just by my elbow - i know its painful there - the quick cuts hurt more. But i barely felt anything except anger. All i wanted to do was to attack my arm with the razor, cause myself alot of pain and sit and cry but I couldnt I was too ashamed and felt guilty for leaving marks on my arm. I am sick of the looks i get when people see the scars, the eyes on my scars.
I was affraid of what people would think and i think that that actually stopped me from carrying on. I had cut 2 deep cuts and the one on my other arm was still bleeding so i sat on my bed and cried!

I didn feel much after cutting this time. I felt guilty for being such a failure and not being strong enough to resist the need to cut. I felt a release but im not sure what sort of emotion was being released!