Triggered

So on today my flat mate and I were talking, and she was telling me how she had to have some swabs taken for an STD check and then was going back next week to have a cervical screening thing done, and all i could think about was after my rape, the doctor was trying to convince me to go to auckland rape crisis and have a rape kit done, and i remember her explaining what they were gonna do.... which were take swabs and photos of the brusing. But i was too affraid to do it. I was scared of the thought of strangers doing it, so a week later my own doctor did an STD check.

I remember lying on the bed in the doctors room, she had just left the room to leave me to take of my pants and undies and lie under the sheet. but i remember being to scared to even do that. it took alot of encouragment from the doctor to convince me to do it.
And i remember her saying that it wasnt going to hurt and that I was being very brave.
But it did hurt. I was so tender and bruised that i felt everything and i remember her saying that i had to imgaine i was lying in the sunshine on a beach somewhere and to tell her what i was seeing in my imagination. I just lay there silent, cos as hard as I tried - and still do try to imagine i am somewhere else, all i could think of was what was the last thing that had been put inside me so forcefully!!

And amelia telling me about the swabs and how they didnt hurt but were just uncomfortable.... i actually felt like i was bak in the doctors room and for most of the afternoon i had flashbacks.... some really random ones, like the doctor trying to convince me to go to the rape crisis and our conversations! it was very odd!!