Random thoughts for Sunday?

I am now 53 kgs of fat.
I am exercising by playing squash a few nights a week. I am feeling fatter and fatter every day.I am eating lots, chocolate and crisps. I need to stop eating them but I can't
I feel guilty for eating and out of control.
I need to be thin but I have lost everything.
I don't know how i got to this point

I love my job and I keep trying to think that i need to focus on my work and do good at that but i cannot shake the feelings of fat and worthlessness.

I am now doing schema therapy with my psychologist, looking at life traps and why they are there and how to fight them. My life traps appear to be so ingrained in me that it's not going to be easy to change my thoughts or habits.
I like Melodie. She makes me feel good and makes me feel hopeful.
I wonder if she will leave me too?

Of course I want to continue feeling happy and enjoying myself but I just feel like I am about to hit a peak, any day now and then after a peak comes a downhill a slow decrease to destruction - again.

I haven't self harmed in a week and I want to but i don't want too
I haven't purged in about a week. I hate purging but it makes me feel normal and empty all at once.

I don't talk to my old best friend any more, she is so draining emotionally - does that make me a bad friend?
I don't see my mum very much either, she makes me feel worthless - does that make me a bad daughter?
I am eating - does that make me a bad anorexic?
can i even claim to be anorexic when i am eating?

I want to be thin. I (sometimes) want to die

I don't know what i want, what to do, what is coming next