I found out today from a friend of mine that my brother has been filled on everything about me.
I think he already knew about the rape but has been told I have issues with eating and that I self harm, but that I am in treatment and getting help!
I feel like even more of a failure.
I don't know if this will ever get better. If I do all this (the eating problems, the self harming) if they are actually just coping mechanisms to help me cope with whatever emotion I am feeling then how do I get better?
Yes I do feel unworthy of help, unworthy of anything, constantly not good enough and compare myself to everyone which only makes me feel worse. And I self harm to make me feel something to make me release emotions and I restrict my food (or at the moment, eat and purge) as a control issue.
Is that an eating disorder? Or am I just lacking the capacity to deal with the emotions I have?
I don't think people realize how much I am controlled by food and weight and yes it is a control problem and a fact that I can't handle emotions and that I keep myself busy and distracted from life so I don't have to deal with emotions, cos emotions are messy and unnecessary (I think) they just get in the way. But there is also the element of wanting and NEEDING to be thin.
Thin = good enough
I want to be thin more than anything in this world, right now I have slipped off my path and I am eating like a pig but it will come back, that voice inside my head is still there I am just challenging it more than ever and I'm not 100% sure why maybe it is cos I am tired of living like this and I am wanting to change or maybe it's this feeling is just a phase and sooner or later I will wake up and hate myself MORE and then I will need to be thin.
I think he already knew about the rape but has been told I have issues with eating and that I self harm, but that I am in treatment and getting help!
I feel like even more of a failure.
I don't know if this will ever get better. If I do all this (the eating problems, the self harming) if they are actually just coping mechanisms to help me cope with whatever emotion I am feeling then how do I get better?
Yes I do feel unworthy of help, unworthy of anything, constantly not good enough and compare myself to everyone which only makes me feel worse. And I self harm to make me feel something to make me release emotions and I restrict my food (or at the moment, eat and purge) as a control issue.
Is that an eating disorder? Or am I just lacking the capacity to deal with the emotions I have?
I don't think people realize how much I am controlled by food and weight and yes it is a control problem and a fact that I can't handle emotions and that I keep myself busy and distracted from life so I don't have to deal with emotions, cos emotions are messy and unnecessary (I think) they just get in the way. But there is also the element of wanting and NEEDING to be thin.
Thin = good enough
I want to be thin more than anything in this world, right now I have slipped off my path and I am eating like a pig but it will come back, that voice inside my head is still there I am just challenging it more than ever and I'm not 100% sure why maybe it is cos I am tired of living like this and I am wanting to change or maybe it's this feeling is just a phase and sooner or later I will wake up and hate myself MORE and then I will need to be thin.
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