Melodie is going to call me at 10.30am and ask me how I am. That is 59 minutes away.
How am I? I’m not sure.
I have been awake for an hour and I haven’t once thought about how I am feeling.
I am going to take a minute right now to concentrate on how I am feeling, and figure out what emotion I have RIGHT now. ..... Here I go...
I think I feel numb, I feel empty – not literally although I haven’t eaten anything yet today but my head feels empty, my heart feels empty, feels as though there is a big space inside of me that is waiting to be filled with something but I don’t know what it is.
Today is one of those days that could go either way I think. I could sit here and feel sick and bored and depressed and then end up crying a lot and not wanting to be here. Think about how pathetic I am and how sad and lonely my life is OR I could do something to make me feel better.
I could put my photo’s into albums and later on I will shower and wash my hair and take my time to get ready for the music awards tonight. I will paint my nails and do things to make me feel good.
I’m not going to feel sorry for myself and not going to cry today.
I am unwell with an infection but that is a physical illness it doesn’t need to be a mental one too.
OK, that’s the emotion stuff done.
Now for the eating part of me: To eat or not to eat.
So far today I have had a cup of tea. Do I want to eat something? A part of me does, a part of me thinks it will help improve my mental state but then another part of me is saying I will feel so much better if I resist the temptation to stuff unnecessary food into me.
I have a new meal supplement thing (Slim) which I am going to try later on.
It’s like me thinking about food and deciding on whether I want to eat or not actually distracts me from feeling anything. It’s like I have a one track mind and I can only do one thing at once and when I am focusing on food and controlling my food I am not putting energy in to emotions and that makes me feel better. So when someone asks me how I am I just say what I imagine I would be feeling if I wasn’t feeling anything at all.
Why do I like losing weight, why do I continue to put energy into starving and restricting and NOT eating. I can’t give a definite answer on that one, but life is hard, eating is hard, gaining weight is hard, emotions are hard, everything all at once is hard and I feel like if I am going to do something why not do something that is easy. Ok it’s not healthy but it’s easy and I know how to do it.
Of course I don’t want to be like this forever but until I find that ONE good reason to recover properly I don’t see the point. I am not worthy enough to be the reason, so I need a good reason to do it and until then I am cannot see the point.
I think I will make a smoothie for breakfast but then I think I am only going to be lying in bed all day I don’t deserve a smoothie. Do I?
Melodie is going to call me in 35 minutes.
How am I? I’m not sure.
I have been awake for an hour and I haven’t once thought about how I am feeling.
I am going to take a minute right now to concentrate on how I am feeling, and figure out what emotion I have RIGHT now. ..... Here I go...
I think I feel numb, I feel empty – not literally although I haven’t eaten anything yet today but my head feels empty, my heart feels empty, feels as though there is a big space inside of me that is waiting to be filled with something but I don’t know what it is.
Today is one of those days that could go either way I think. I could sit here and feel sick and bored and depressed and then end up crying a lot and not wanting to be here. Think about how pathetic I am and how sad and lonely my life is OR I could do something to make me feel better.
I could put my photo’s into albums and later on I will shower and wash my hair and take my time to get ready for the music awards tonight. I will paint my nails and do things to make me feel good.
I’m not going to feel sorry for myself and not going to cry today.
I am unwell with an infection but that is a physical illness it doesn’t need to be a mental one too.
OK, that’s the emotion stuff done.
Now for the eating part of me: To eat or not to eat.
So far today I have had a cup of tea. Do I want to eat something? A part of me does, a part of me thinks it will help improve my mental state but then another part of me is saying I will feel so much better if I resist the temptation to stuff unnecessary food into me.
I have a new meal supplement thing (Slim) which I am going to try later on.
It’s like me thinking about food and deciding on whether I want to eat or not actually distracts me from feeling anything. It’s like I have a one track mind and I can only do one thing at once and when I am focusing on food and controlling my food I am not putting energy in to emotions and that makes me feel better. So when someone asks me how I am I just say what I imagine I would be feeling if I wasn’t feeling anything at all.
Why do I like losing weight, why do I continue to put energy into starving and restricting and NOT eating. I can’t give a definite answer on that one, but life is hard, eating is hard, gaining weight is hard, emotions are hard, everything all at once is hard and I feel like if I am going to do something why not do something that is easy. Ok it’s not healthy but it’s easy and I know how to do it.
Of course I don’t want to be like this forever but until I find that ONE good reason to recover properly I don’t see the point. I am not worthy enough to be the reason, so I need a good reason to do it and until then I am cannot see the point.
I think I will make a smoothie for breakfast but then I think I am only going to be lying in bed all day I don’t deserve a smoothie. Do I?
Melodie is going to call me in 35 minutes.
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