Maree - Why do you keep confusing me

Today my appointment was much more positive.
We talked about why I havent eaten breakfast and when I said - I was running late, forgot, slept passed breakfast time (on the weekends) she said these are typical anorexic strategies to avoid food and I have lots of little excuses/reasons that are justified in my head but are typical anorexic things!
In a way its nice to have some reasoning behind these things - especially because I convince myself that this isnt anorexic/eating disorder stuff its just me!
But at the same time I hate being put into a box like that, and feel like I should change things up so I'm not in that simple "yep typical anorexic" box!

We talked about how I got better last time (even though I didnt recover 100% I managed to gain weight and be ok with eating) and I'm not sure I know fully.
I think it was a combination of leaving the country, leaving mum and her new happy family, living with Donna and her kids (who loved me so much) and also moving in with my sister who wanted to help and did help - again I'm not sure how, but she was just there and didnt give up on me.

Maree wants me to move in with someone who will support me and help me. I told her I can't move back in with Mum and her family - cos 1. she is a big trigger for me (which i havent told maree that yet) and 2. living there was a big downhill for me before and now so I dont want to go back there, i feel like i lose my independence when living there!
She also suggested Donna - but now Donna lives further from work (so it would cost me more money) and she dosent have a room there for me any more! Maree said I should talk to Donna about other suggestions!
She said that I cant do it on my own and do need some people who can be there at meal times to help!
Which in some ways is true - but I like my house and I dont want to move in with another family - i already feel like I burden people, I dont want to make it worse and intrude on a family when i am such a mental mess!

I think if I wanted to get better I could do it.
Debs at work would help me with breakfast or lunch - she said last week that she would sit with me and eat breakfast if thats what i needed.
I could go to mums for dinner or Donna's - but at the moment - the thought of doing any of the above FREAKS ME THE FUK OUT! i don't want that right now.
I need to maintain or even better LOSE (not that I will tell Maree that)

I am going to Melbourne next Wednesday - I wonder how Kelly will be with me. I wonder if she can talk me out of this eating disorder again and get me back on track, i wonder if i will let her!
and also going out with all my travelling friends - cos sat/sun of this week with abbey, laura and ben was good for me, i ate and felt happy and normal. I wonder if i can pull that off again in Melbourne, or if there will be too many people in the group and I will be overwhelmed!!

Abbey

Abbey - whom i met while travelling is just lovely.
I spent today with her and she too has had an eating disorder, for about a year when she was 16. But she is so free and happy from all of that now. she said that she still knows calories and watches what she eats but she doesnt let it control her which i think is just amazing.
I hope one day i can be like that.
I wonder what it would be like not to worry about the fat/calorie content. Not to want to purge all my dinner or when i go running imagine all the fat burning off me and just exercise for the health of it!
She said she really wants to help me and she said that she got better cos she couldnt stand what she was putting her family through, she wanted to be attractive again to guys...
I can understand that, but i wont ever be attractive to anyone, let alone guys. And my family - well most of them dont know what im going through, sure i feel guilty that im hurting my mum but as long as im alive she will be happy!!

The suicidal thoughts have been better today ... i think ive been enjoying my time with abbey. I dont want to say much more on that subject though cos i dont want to jinx myself and ruin my head space!!

Depending on people

For some reason, i seem to attach myself to certain people i meet.
Its normally when im going through a rough patch and even though i have the professionals i prefer these other normal people.
When i was younger, it was certain teachers at school. - there was a teacher i used to write letters too about how i hated school and hated my life....
then my old maths teacher found out i was self harming when i was about 16....
in London it was a lady i worked with, Harriet- i told her all about my ed and self harming and suicide attempts
and now its another lady i work with Debbie..... she knows most of the stuff

I feel like i need them to help me but i dont kno how or why i feel like i need them so much.
they are normal average people. They have their own lives but for some reason i prefer to talk to them than the professionals and they always help me more than the professionals (i think)
I feel like i need these certain people and i get panicky when i think they arent gonna be around any more.
Like when i left ATG (where Hat used to work) i got upset cos i would never see her again!!

I dunno why i act like this.
And when i first met these people, its like i want them to like me and want them to help me and when they talk to me or txt me i get excited cos they care...
and sometimes i guess i can be too intense, like i suddenly think they dont need to know all this, they dont even know me. Its really weird.

I have a mum but I always want these other people to care about me more than my own mum.......
 is this completely abnormal??
What the F is wrong with me?

How do i stop myself, depending on people that hardly know me??

I think i understand something

I think I know why I've been feeling so suicidal and self harming so much, I dont know if this is true or not or if im just trying to make sense of everything going on in my head.
But
with Maree and mum and everyone so concerned about this eating disorder, when I am self harming and thinking different thoughts (suicidal thoughts) it almost feels like i dont have an eating disorder and they have nothing to worry about. Cos the last few nights i havent gone to bed wondering what i weigh or thinking about what i've eaten, simply cos i'm so wrapped up in what my life is actually worth.
I dont know if that makes any sense.

But the self harm and suicidal thoughts feels like a change from the eating disorder thoughts that have been so consuming for the last few months!!

Too many voices

So tonight i've had 1 glass of wine....
an hour ago i had this urge well it was more of an urge, more like a need, a must... i had to die. That voice came back and said - its time. I cause too much pain, i cause too much worry, too much time and waste to much space. I need to die.
5 minutes later, sitting here staring at the wall.. i hear
"no you have to fight back, you're niece and nephew want to see you in australia in 2 weeks"
Then lillie says "ur mum would b heart broken.. =/ so would so many others" and i hear
" yeah see too many would miss me"
and then its"a broken heart heals and in the long run they are better off without you"
This goes on for about 10 minutes back and forth inside my head and here i sit now
I looked for something to OD on, but i know panadol doesnt work very well, i dont wanna make it hard for anybody (including myself) if im gonna OD its got to be something that will kill me here and now.
I tried to find a rope but the best i could find was a belt - not even leather and it wouldnt even make a noose
and so i cut. i cut my wrist until i seen white flesh

and now here i sit an hour later, feeling calm
i dont know why im calm.
I dont know if i want to die. Or if i want to live.

Im tired

Stuff

So at this moment in time i guess i do have alot going on....
My nana is very ill, with cancer - she is in the hospice and they have said only have a month to live. :(
My cousin isn't talking me - she also lives with me, I had to put a lock on my door cos she was using my make up, jewellery and perfume and had lost a couple things of mine (she didn't ask me either)
So i put a lock on my door and now she isn't talking to me, she is supposed to be my best mate and she doesn't even care that i am going through a hard time. Its so hard to live with her.
and then Maree (my ed lady) confuses me and makes me think about recovery and makes me question and fight back against the ed voices.... its tiring

I just have to keep going I guess!

out for dinner with mum

I think my mum finally realises that this isnt just going to be fixed by taking me out for dinner, its not something that can be fixed over night.
We went to see nana tonight and then stopped for dinner at a really good pub/place thing on the way home.
We ordered bruschetta and squid to share. I was secretly freaking out about the bread but when it arrived it was covered in capsicum which i hate so didnt eat any of it.
I was picking at my squid when mum said that flash-fried meant that it was done in flour and water then lightly pan fried to cook it which was nice of her. She passed me the plate which only had chips and salad and i took some salad.... lol

But she then said to me - no one is watching you, cos i was nervous about eating out. so that was also nice of her!

overall it was an unpleasant awkward experience!

Maree Appointment today

This morning I had my next appointment with my ed lady maree.....
My mind set these last few days is really bad - not with the eating disorder but with suicide. I feel really scared of myself, i keep hearing this voice telling me that it's my time and that it would be better if i just ended it all now rather than wait for something bad to happen.
I'm hoping that it's just a phase and that it will pass.. and i think the more i tell myself its a phase the more it will become one....

So today at the appointment we talked about panic attacks and how to recognize them and what to do.
We talked about upping my intake from egg whites for breakfast to a piece of toast and egg whites.
which is pretty big for me considering i dont eat bread much at all these days!
we talked about the consequences - including my fainting and even death.

I didnt get a chance to tell her about my self harming on saturday and the voices i was hearing and I wish i did tell her. But 1 hour isn't enough time to get everything out from the past 2 weeks.

I have to see her every week now. Cos she said she is going to help me, since i dont have someone close by who can help me and be there for me as support!!

I'm just tired right now. I'm not sure if I'm tired of this whole eating disorder or if i'm tired of life!!

:'(

Suicidal

Last night was one of the WORST nights ever
Not the actual night, cos i went to a friends party and got very drunk but then started hearing voices telling me that no one liked me and no one wanted me there
I locked myself in the toilet to try and talk myself out of everything and calm myself down. My best friend found me and i ended up having a panic attack in the bathroom
I then decided i should go to bed and couldnt calm down and decided i needed to cut
I need something real - with all the voices in my head i needed something i know makes me feel something
but the only thing i could find in the bathroom were some scissors ( i desperately wanted a knife but everyone was in the kitchen) So i hacked at my arm so badly its still bleeding in 2 places now....
I tried so badly to hurt myself and it wasnt doing anything.
I then went to the bathroom hoping to find any pills to OD or something but couldn't find anything so went back to attacking my arm....

I've had to buy 2 big bandaids to cover my whole arm and i'm not sure how i am going to explain it to everyone :/
I have to play squash tomoro night and wear a t-shirt ... i dont know what to do!!
I wish i was stronger

I have decided i'm not going to drink excessively until i can cope with eating and everything else!!
its not good!

I've not been that suicidal in a long time and i think it was just the alcohol that fueled it!!

Friday - hungover, doctors and fun times ahead

So i had my doctors appointment today, we get there and mum asks if she can come in, she would like to hear what the doc has to say, so i say ok.
We go in and talk and the doctor asks how i am... i say "i'm ok- i think"
then she says ok - well to judge how well you are doing answer me this....
"- are you still restricting and counting calories" - YES
"- are you stiill purging?" YES
"- are you overexercsing?" - What exactly do you classify as over exercising?
" - am i self harming?" - not in a while .... "and how long is a while?" - oh about a week!! (thats a while in my head!)
doctor then says "ok so its prety much the same" her and mum talk about how my ed lady Maree is wonderful but she only focuses on the ed, not the big picture - and everything else.
They talk about how the are concerned cos this is just on going and nothing is changing.
my doctor tells me i am very savvy and cunning and i know what to say to different people to stay 1 step ahead (hehe)
she weighs me - notes (outloud) i have lost another kg (I SAY WAHOOOO in my head)
Mum is shocked by my weight cos i kept teling her it was higher than it is!!

doctor asked mum what she notices .... mum replied that i am obsessed with food, and that i know the calorie/fat content of everthing in the cupboard (which i dont, only like 80% of her cupboard but yes 100% of mine)
She said i have all these litle weird food things i do, like watching people cook and shuffling in my seat when i eat - she said "i think amy thinks i dont notice these but everyone does, cos it isnt normal"

WHAT THE F IS NORMAL ANYMORE?????

Doctor says that the next time she sees me - she wants me to have a plan of action, cos i see people and i talk but i dont actually do anything....

hmmmm wonder when my next appointment is......

I dont know what i'm thinking about all of this... there is that piece inside of me that grips on to this hope that i can get better and get on with life. but then as my mum said i have been going through these cycles since i was 11 (I didnt realise this) so is there hope at all???