when a free McDonald's sundae on saturday

I don't know where the free monopoly winning ticket came from but I tried to give to my flat mate and it ended up back on my shelf on the pantry. So a week of staring at it every time I opened the pantry door I decided that at 37 years old on a average Saturday night I was in need of an excuse to get out of the house.... and a short 5 Min drive to McDonald's to cash n the winning ticket. 

It started with me not pulling into the Mc d carpark 

, I panicked coz it looked super bust and I never been in there before so didn't even know where the entrance was. So I drove past it and pulled into the countdown carpark opposite Mc Donald's. I then sat in the car talking myself into having the courage to walk across the road and get a free Sunday. It was only 8pm. So yep it was definitely still open to walk ins. But what flavour do they have, what if I take that little too long to voice my chosen flavour. What if the ice cream machine is not operating and I then have to walk out empty handed. 45mins later and I'm finally crossing rhe main Rd and inside. 

Strawberry was the flavour I chose, she didn't tell me they did plain sundaes.... i want plain. 

Quickly drive away cos I only jus see the man sitting in the fancy car parked beside me. Now glaring at me with this weird little smirk on his face. 

I was headed home but the panic overtook me ad I had to pull the car to the side of the road, switch engine off, jump across to passenger seat, open the door and take put my barefoot on the cold grass.... grounding technique #1 

I'm still holding the melting strawberry Sunday. Crying. Hyperventilating. Shaking. Sweating. Barefoot and unable to unlock or utilise my cellphone device. 

After I manage to do 2 different breathing exercises : 1st one is the take a big breathe in as big as possible then hold for a sec before sucking just a little more in thru the mouth. Hand on tummy to stay connected to myself and the present as much as I can. 

2nd is the 4,2,4 (not even sure that's the correct #) breath in for 4, hold for 2 and out for 4, repeat.

After the tingling in my hands and arms begins to fade I find myself looking at my surroundings and I notice I'm parked opposite a kids playground... swings! They are the best anti panic / be in present and SWING!!! but. When I get inside the gated circle the swings are for babies and toddlers only. I did give both options ago. The cursed outloud at the uselessness of the swings. And began to walk myself to calm serenity. I sat under this weird stage thing in the corner of the park. 

More breathing exercises.

Then counted lines, 5 horizontal (street light, house, tree, window, handrail) then vertical ( different to previous, then curved) 

Not sure how much time had passed but I was becoming more and more aware of my surroundings and the fact that I have no idea where the hell in papakura I actually am, for a second or two I can't even recall where my car is. 

It's dark and beginning to rain. 

Instead of spiralling back down into panic I laugh out Loud and decide to continue my walk and follow the footpath (still barefoot) I sit in this circle where 4 paths meet up and stare at the night sky. 

I miss being able to see see the stars at night from my bed when curtains open rescue me from the fear and dark room. 

I notcie what I am feeling against my body and the cold wet concrete has made my bum soaking wet, the sundae is totally melting and leaving a droplet trail from where I walked so I thru the white ice cream liquid against the dark concrete like it was white paint and I was creating art. 

Few deep breaths and I stand up and spin around a few times with arms outstretched like I'm a ballerina or some shit. Then slowly looking around as i 360 again, I see my little red car under the street light a little down the road so meander in that direction, making sure to put my rubbish in the bin inside the gated park, now noticing the young couple straddled in a motionless cuddle. 

I laugh as I walk away wondering had they been there this entire time and what must my madness might have looked like from another's eyes. 

3 hour round trip and 3 spoonfuls of strawberry Sunday for this 37 something else!

a 20 yr old draft blig .. learn to show gratitude, ne grateful for that you do have, give thanks to any its due

It's not hard to know what the difference is between what one has and what oine wants.
When it comes to a relationship, boyfriend, partner I know what I want and I know what I have.

I have a boyfriend who prefers to go solo than work with me, who has me around more as a NEED rather than a WANT. I'm the one who does his washing, cooks and cleans up after him, caters to his every day "babe can you <insert request here>"  His family don't like me and his father once referred to me as "piece of sh*t from south auckland.." My boyfriend has his 'plan' for the next phase of his life and he sees me as a grievance on his path, I am the one who is holding him up and getting in the way.

He very rarely helps me with things I am interested in doing, he very rarely has anything nice to say - let alone whispered the words 'ILOVEYOU' I cannot recall a time when he has told me I am beautiful or amazing or anything postive at all, actyually he once told me I was good at something that was not a legal thing to be doing.

We have closed communication, don't talk about our hopes and dreams (or lack thereof) don't share in fun times or happy memories and most of our time is spent arguing, or with him bellittling, critising and/or lecturing me on how I should be,
Sometimes critisims, advice and evaluations of one's behaviours are a neccesssary line of communication but not EVERY day, and especially not if it is all one sided.

so now that I have exopressed what I have I need to share what I also want.
I want aomw locw, someone who offers to make me a cup of tea when I am upset or feeling unwell (not a comment on how i bought it on myself or it's mty own fault)
I want a hug when I am crying, and arm wrapped around me to spoon me as I sleep.
I want acceptance and freedin as I work on becoming that "better" person you constantly spoak of

self harm / self love

"It is so strange how many different feelings cutting can bring.

I cut to punish - I feel less guilt.

I cut to control - I feel less helpless.

I cut to feel - I feel less numb.

I cut to externalise - I feel physical pain.

But then after all of that, the best part is the cleaning up and dressing of my weeping wounds. I do it so tenderly, so carefully, and it suddenly feels like somebody actually cares about how much pain I’m in - even if it is just me."

DJ burn and his dark brewing jealousy suddenly exploded in volience and rage. I'll.never forget the eyes of psychosis. true fear

Rich had hit me once before that night. He had flipped a couple of times since we had got back from our New Years holiday.

The first time he went into psychosis (that's what i determine it to be anyway) was a Wednesday night and we had been out, ended in a big argument, he was convinced I was cheating and had been for months, my laughter and jokingly banter. The absurd very precise times and dates he had noted since day 1.i commented on a hot skinny chic we drove past and he knows I wanted. To join her over being w him.

His jealousy had been brewing for almost 14 months. His DJ work his outlet and lyrics all throughout his creative space, magazine pages spiralled in to the centre of the page, his rage against my wandering eyes and openness to seeing beauty in all people and places, and sharing the vibe. He took that as me shaming him for the size of his cock. No matter how hot and steamy our sex sessions were, multiple organisms and saying best sex ever was.mostly taken sarcastically but never showed his self esteem so low. Till the night he imploded and I wore the hits, my 14th floor apartment smashed every thing inside, knocked me out multiple times then upon my return would be so sorry and horrified at his rage and what hee had done. It took multiple attempts for me to give in and stop fighting his Maddness and just stay alive, night became day and he Siad one of us was gonna go over that balcony by end of the weekend. I've never seen eyes so dark and empty of life, only full blown rage pupils so full and so cold. Even his voice tone changed and the British accent was almost gone, for someone rhe same size, build and stature as me he was suddenly so strong, he dragged me from.bedroom to other end of the small 5m space, with only 1 hand on my head the other he held my phone for so long, the battery and sim somewhere else. He'd switch in a second, saying sorry then call me the slut for looking at him with a look of sympathy he didn't want ny pity he wanted the pain to stop. I remember after he took something close to 50 x tramadol 50mg tablets and smoking a shit load of weed he started hallucinating and spewed and disappeared to the bathroom I think. I remember glimpsing freedom and txt Donna something that I wish I could recall exact words I sent. Don't know how many minutes went by or how I got out and into her van outside on the street, I remember his being close behind me and leaping on the front hood screaming something incoherently shouting at 4am, it was only at the end when the words of the police had been called (the station only a block over, so close to come had they truly been phoned) the drive to safety of a loving family home was. 45mjn south I don't remember any of it or the following days. 

Bruised cheekbones, black eye, broken ribs on one side, concussed and butterfly stitch ti my head, no charges to be sought, cos it took 2 to tango and both of us at fault, yet neither to be blamed, we talked and learned a hard lesson about the importance of finding balance in one's life, and communicating the dark thoughts before losing the love to dark imagining. 2 kids pretending to be living the dream in an adult world within our own little self fulfilled love and fun and party and sun. No rest, no outdoor rejuvenation, no time for ones self. We were soul mates on a buzz. 

Dark matters be creating fear

 I usually phone my dad to talk this kinda stuff out and he always knew what to say to make it ok

Anyway, the other night when I was in the spa at my mums (looking after dogs so jus me there) I had the most amazing spiritual experience but the following day I was sent in to the darkest of Days and started remembering pieces of a puzzle of my childhood and the molestation that I do not recall but is on my medical records. 

Anyway, I survived that darkness, cut my hair afterwards and now I am back at my house in Botany (got home this arvo) and something feels so off, this house, the energy. 

I felt it and experienced some dark enegery when I first moved in, went theough a couple of months of nughtmares and sleep paralisis, 

I did sime angel mediations and cleansed my space daily and sorta told myself all ok. But now I feel it again bit sorta different. I don't know whether I am jus creating this feeling cos I am not enjoying living here. But it scares me. I wish I could ask my dad what mediations would be best or a particular angel I can call Upon. 

I kept trying to google some help but it's too overwhelming and I almost spin into a panic attack. 

I'm scared and I don't know what of. 

I think I will see if my dad's angel meditation cd is on my tablet and try that for now

grateful of life altering advice

Just wanted to say thank you for yesterday, u gave me some advice which has been life saving (that may be a dramatic way to put it but it's true) 

I am still at my gf house where ya dropped me off, last time I was here (4 weeks ago) I left her house without any of my belongings as had no intention of returning. Yet here i am, and I'm feeling grateful that I slipped and fell instead of succeeding and be dead. 

This morning I have been drawing my mandalas and reflecting on what u said, and u are so right, what i tell myself about almost anything and everything 90% of the time, is so negative and unproductive, and no way to create a happy/healthy life. its no wonder i felt suicidal. 

I have always wanted a best friend and looked for it externally, but i think once I can change that inner narrative to be positive/optimistic/kind or less dark and negative at least then I'll actually want to be my own best friend

selfish and sorry

I threw the box and the plaque same place ofmy Lil swim. That was why I walked so fucking far. And yep nick and his constant drunk-ass asking me to tell him my story, which I would either avoid the unshared darkness or jus leave  it out entirely and redirect the conversation back on him.

But it clearly had an impact on my memories and the following choices I made.

I am so scared that what I am remembering is not even the truth and it's what's hurting and killing me.

I keep telling myself its not true and justify that statement .... When my best friend who was also my first flat mate, and my own mother didn't believe it was rape back n 2006 then why would molestation age 12 be any different

why live

Why does my mum dislike me so much? Tonight was such hard work, and yet still not enough to win her love. I cannot keep living like this cos this is not a life. 

I loved seeing Sophia, my God daughter so grown up and I'm sorry that I have not been apart of that, but u and I both know that I am nothing but trouble and darkness and  as much as I have loved being apart of the happy birthday celebrations tonight, it will be better for all when i am nothing but a memory of the past 

It was nice to see mums friends all come together to celebrate her birthday. 

Friends Really are the family we choose. 

 I love u and ur beautiful girls so much and after semo being so Nice to me and Sophia chatting me out of what seemed to be genuine interest I finally remembered what it felt like to be apart of something real and loved. 

I am so broken, so alone and so sad and over everything that this life is about. There is no more happiness and good things coming my way. I hace peaked and had the best life when iuved in the uk, i have loved and i have lost and i have defintely learned 

It brings me some comfort to know that there's such a thing as a happy family. And that a it isn't jus a fake term people pretend to have to mask their true dysfunctions 

 

cuddles with Ace

after him jumping in an out my window on many occasions and after slumber parties and purring loudly together finally he took the courage to come and have a snuggle with me.

Helping someone is helping myself

Talking to T* tonight really made me realise how bad my drug addiction is, i was trying to make her see how bad Kane is for her and also try to help her with her smack addiction which is only recent.

All the excuses and justifications she said about the smack is exactly what i say about the meth.

The “it’s not that bad” line...  When someone would question me on my gear useage i would say firstly – well i’m not doing it every day, then i was and i looked back on it and justified it some how to myself and then said well it’s not that bad as i still have my job, thats the important thing and then lost that and then it was my friends and family, lost that. Then it was my apartment – lost that. And then T* said something which is my biggest one- “I enjoy who I am when I’m on it”

How bad do things have to get before I want to get off it?!

T* said something tho – I’m fun without it though. And I realised, I need to take the time and reflect back more as the reflecting back on previous years and previous times (before meth) is what will make the drive to get off it more desirable.

T* wants to go back to using smack recreationally. Is there such a thing? I with crystal meth.

Can we use these illegal class A drugs recreationally?

I hate this most of the time. It's fun when i get wasted and have fun but the majority of the time I am stressed, tired and trying to balance everything. 

I didn’t even make any goals for 2013. I also realised that when i make goals or plans if they dont get completed i dont look back and ask myself why and also have plan b in place... cos it’s all very well planning to stop smoking meth but what happens next if i do not achieve that goal. I can shrug it off and then say “I’ll try again” or what? I guess do something that I know works.

So if cutting back and not smoking it every day doesn’t work – then what?

I blasted for the first time on Friday - I have blasted Ritalin before but not meth. It was GREAT! I loved it and now I can see how the downhill happens. If i don't stop now I am going to end up in T*'s position. I justified it as just that once. But others have said once you start injecting gear you won't want to stop - people don't just say that, its the truth. The truth comes out in the very first statement and then the justifications for why and then it's all ok.

Ok so I need to stop. I may not want too cos I don't want to go back to that anorexic self harming sad borderline personality person but I need too as I don't want to end up a junkie shooting up and as I already don't have a job the longer i am out of work the harder it will be. 

I need to stop smoking crack so i don't lose the rest of my life. 

I go away – leave Auckland. I either go to Pauanui with a mate or to Melbourne. Especially as Christie has paid for me.

Then when I am not smoking meth every day I can get a job and have money and go away with T* in August to Queenstown.

The  next thing i have learned after tonight is that i will start making day plans and week plans as well as 3  month plans. To keep me focused and not frittering out.

Balance is what i need

Visualise what i can have without the drugs.

What a random, intense night. I wanna get some sleep now. Might have a bowl first i think