Fighting

The more I try and fight ana and this stupid eating disorder the more I feel like I am losing something apart of me, and the more I feel the need to be in control.
It's like 1 part of me wants to fight and get better but the other part of me just won't let me. How do I fight when there is that part of me SCREAMING at me to do the opposite! 

I feel scared - I'm not sure of what.
- Change - what if i change and I hate myself even more. What if people don't like me, what if i change then fall apart and am worse
-Being fat - enough said
-scared of losing my eating disorder, my identity, my safety, my friend, my life


I made a food plan tonight..

the last few days - since Sunday all i have been doing is eating - everything and anything. Not in public but in my house, sweets, crisps, chocolate, chicken, salad..... all sorts.

I have disgusted myself so I am going to come up with a plan to detox....

I need to have a plan without a plan I eat lots and when i eat lots I want to purge and cut

But I don't want to cut so I need to have a plan.

I'm going to have an egg white for breakfast (50)

I'm going to have an apple (80) & a yoghurt (80) for lunch

Or I will have sushi (50 per each sushi)

I'm not giving up my coffee (100)

For dinner I will stick to steamed vegies or salad (200) or sushi (4 pieces = 200 cals)

500 calories max

It sounds like a lot ...

Coffee is far too high in Calories :/ damn soy milk!!

Maybe I will have 1 coffee per day and tea, sometimes i can drink 3 coffee's in a day (300 calories right there!!)

I need to stop on the wine - although wine helps me relax and forget about food and just remind me to be normal.

Maybe I will see how i go with the wine.

Plan

I need a plan, I need this. I need you ana. Please don't leave me - I love you and I will do better .... I will be perfect and I will be thin.