I can't win!

The more I try and fight, the harder it seems to get. I don't know what I want. I need a plan, a list something to make me feel in control. I ate so much food on the weekend (i think it was alot) Sweets, chocolate, food. It was so abnormal for me and now I am regretting it BIG time. I hate myself. i feel like I am letting myself down by 1. eating all the food and 2. feeling guilty for it. A plan will help. A list will help. Control will help.
People keep saying that - its not easy but its worth it. I don't ever get far enough in recovery to actually believe that... why is this time going to be any different!!
Eat = get fat = hate myself. Starve = lose weight = hate myself. I CANNOT WIN
Sorry if this offends/upsets anyone - i am just sick of putting on my smile every day and lying to everyone i am seeing about how i want to change and blah blah blah. I don't to change. Anorexia has a strong purpose for me, why would i want to change something that makes me feel so purposeful
maybe I'm jus having a bad night- I just hate myself so much and hate this and hate everything and feel like i need a massive hug!! :'(