2faces

I feel like I am living a double life. There is the Amy that is the temp consultant- the one who goes to work, gets on and does a good job- gets a temp order, fills a temp order, calls candidates and talks to them telling them about work, doing accounts, references, ordering stock, stationary and keeping the place tidy. I smile and I say - yes i am coping.
I love my job

Then there is the other Amy - the one who's thoughts are dark and confusing. I sit alone when i get home and i feel sad that I am alone, that i feel unloved and fat. I wonder how long it will take for something to go wrong at work and them to realise i am actually a fraud and that i am probably not worthy of anything.
I don't cry much any more. I don't feel much any more. I feel empty - physically and emotionally.

I am getting up, going to work, being the working person, coming home and going to bed. Some nights I play squash some nights i see my friends but mostly I stay at home alone, wondering if this is what my life is going to be like.

I just feel like i am on the edge of a pointed triangle, some days i am sliding down the happy, coping side and i feel positive and good and other days i feel like my world is coming to an end. I tell myself to harden up and push through it and the only reason for that is my job. i want to do a good job and be a good temp consultant!

Sometimes I am just so exhausted I want to give up and sleep forever but i know i can't do that......