I ate dinner.... and purged!

So tonight I went out for a meal with mum and Keith. I thought to myself, I'm doing ok so yeah maybe I will join them for dinner!
We went to a little local resturant - and shared an entree of Antipasto platter -
I ate: 1 piece of melba (type) toast with some pate and some lettuce and olives (about 5)
for my main I ordered calamari and salad but it was so floury and horrible I couldn't eat it (even mum agreed)
I was sitting there trying to listen to the conversation but all I could think about was what the salad dressing was - wondering how many calories are in it - if they use a light dressing on the lettuce.
I drank water cos I didn't want to have too much wine since I was eating as well.... can't have too many calories
I left feeling OVER full and fat and generally disgusting. I wasn't happy with my food choice and the food I had put into my body (I had eaten a sausage at mums earlier - and I hate sausages!)
On the drive home all I could think about was getting home so I could purge it all out!
I got home and that was the first thing I did - i purged until my throat hurt yet I still feel fat and full and disgusting. My belly is sticking out over my legs and I feel sick and horrible.

I now want to cut cos I feel so full and bloated and horrible.

I feel like I have let myself down by allowing myself so much food. I feel like I should be doing better than this.
I want to eat healthy and lose weight in a healthy way, I want to be thin but allow myself to eat sweets and dinner! I just want the control back!