so this week has been pretty full on - busy busy at work, but my boss is really happy with my work and wants to send me on some training stuff to train me up to be a proper recruitment consultant!!!
I've been having a real mixed week emotionally.
Gus came round on Wednesday night for dinner and he told me his ex gf was raped on sat night and started to go into detail about the assault - i had to just get up and walk away cos it was far too much information for me!!
I think i like Gus. I am also a little scared about the fact that I like him. What if he hurts me, what if he doesn't like me, what if he pushes things too fast and i can't handle it. I haven't been with someone (like a relationship) for about 4 years. I haven't liked anyone since 2006. I am desperately trying to NOT over-analyze this and just go with the flow.
He is a little bit older than me - 35 - but he is really lovely and down to earth and easy going and i hope that being with him (cos it makes me happy) will help with my ed.?.
Eating wise, this week has been all over the place- with bingeing and purging, eating and periods of starving. :/
I am really embarrassed to admit that I have been eating all sorts of crappy foods- chocolate and sweets and all sorts. I am such a failed anorexic. and I feel guilty for letting myself slip up. I want to recover and I want to get better but this is not recovery - this is something else. I need to be able to eat normally and healthy. Bingeing on sweets isn't normal!! FML
What else?! I constantly have that little devil on my shoulder telling me this happy feeling (i just won a squash game and am in the finals tomorrow so feeling pretty good) isn't going to last and that I am destined to binge and be fat forever!!
I can't tell Maree ( my ed lady who i see weekly) cos i am so embarrassed, she wants to have lunch with me on Tuesday but what if i eat with her and she then thinks that I'm ok and that it's done and doesn't want to see me anymore. What if this whole time she has been thinking I am a fraud and I am too fat to have an eating disorder so if i eat with her, then she will just think I am "recovered" or "normal" and what if i'm not - what if I'm still struggling mentally and emotionally but can eat some food. - is that recovered? is that normal?
I seen the dietican on Wednesday - that was good - she said that she wants to help me develop a healthy relationship with food and that doesnt necessarily mean gaining TOO much weight, cos i could stay on the lighter side of a healthy BMI. Which in theory sounds all good, so why is it so difficult for me to want this.
Being on the lighter side of healthy is fine - its healthy and i would be free of all this turmoil going on inside my head but its the whole - being healthy that scares me (I don't even know why) why do i want to sick? why do i want to keep my eating disorder all to myself?
and why is it so hard for me to be completely honest with all these people who are trying to help me!????????
I want to be healthy, happy, free, perfect, loved and SKINNY as hell!! is that too much to want?
I've been having a real mixed week emotionally.
Gus came round on Wednesday night for dinner and he told me his ex gf was raped on sat night and started to go into detail about the assault - i had to just get up and walk away cos it was far too much information for me!!
I think i like Gus. I am also a little scared about the fact that I like him. What if he hurts me, what if he doesn't like me, what if he pushes things too fast and i can't handle it. I haven't been with someone (like a relationship) for about 4 years. I haven't liked anyone since 2006. I am desperately trying to NOT over-analyze this and just go with the flow.
He is a little bit older than me - 35 - but he is really lovely and down to earth and easy going and i hope that being with him (cos it makes me happy) will help with my ed.?.
Eating wise, this week has been all over the place- with bingeing and purging, eating and periods of starving. :/
I am really embarrassed to admit that I have been eating all sorts of crappy foods- chocolate and sweets and all sorts. I am such a failed anorexic. and I feel guilty for letting myself slip up. I want to recover and I want to get better but this is not recovery - this is something else. I need to be able to eat normally and healthy. Bingeing on sweets isn't normal!! FML
What else?! I constantly have that little devil on my shoulder telling me this happy feeling (i just won a squash game and am in the finals tomorrow so feeling pretty good) isn't going to last and that I am destined to binge and be fat forever!!
I can't tell Maree ( my ed lady who i see weekly) cos i am so embarrassed, she wants to have lunch with me on Tuesday but what if i eat with her and she then thinks that I'm ok and that it's done and doesn't want to see me anymore. What if this whole time she has been thinking I am a fraud and I am too fat to have an eating disorder so if i eat with her, then she will just think I am "recovered" or "normal" and what if i'm not - what if I'm still struggling mentally and emotionally but can eat some food. - is that recovered? is that normal?
I seen the dietican on Wednesday - that was good - she said that she wants to help me develop a healthy relationship with food and that doesnt necessarily mean gaining TOO much weight, cos i could stay on the lighter side of a healthy BMI. Which in theory sounds all good, so why is it so difficult for me to want this.
Being on the lighter side of healthy is fine - its healthy and i would be free of all this turmoil going on inside my head but its the whole - being healthy that scares me (I don't even know why) why do i want to sick? why do i want to keep my eating disorder all to myself?
and why is it so hard for me to be completely honest with all these people who are trying to help me!????????
I want to be healthy, happy, free, perfect, loved and SKINNY as hell!! is that too much to want?
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