I have spent years avoiding real life because I am scared, people ask
me what it is I am so scared of and I never seem to have an answer.
I don't know what scares me the most - being alone, being healthy, having no identity, having no life, having an eating disorder/mental illness that NO ONE can see and NO ONE seems to understand (apart from you girls)
I was reading this blog and it said this...
It’s as if when I’m not eating, I feel the pain less, but I know I cannot sustain this indefinitely, and I’m terrified of having to rejoin life. I think if I started eating more, and feeling the pain, I could not go on, yet I know I must, for my kids.
It made perfect sense to me. I am scared of life.
My
therapist keeps telling me that my eating disorder is a coping
mechanism, a self harm all to do with my BPD but what if it's not. What
if my eating disorder is the cause?!
What if my fear of life is causing the eating disorder?
Yes my eating disorder helps me cope with stress, but that's because i focus all my energy on my eating disorder and avoid the actual problem that is causing the stress.
As horrible as the eating disorder is, as much as I hate struggling and I hate having an eating disorder, life appears much more scary. I don't know if i will ever know what it is I am truly afraid of or if the fear is really real, but in my head it is and it is driving me towards anorexia yet again.
My eating disorder is like a merry go round at the fun-fair. I am drawn to it cos of the pretty lights, the noise it makes and cos I think it helps/I think it is what I need but in actual fact I forget that the merry-go-round doesn't take me anywhere, it just goes around and around in circles, the horses never change colour, nothing ever changes and as much as I want to get off and take a new direction I just can't seem to escape this.
I am at a cross roads and as much as i want to continue on the right path it is so incredibly hard, the eating disorder seems so easy and so comforting - why am i scared of life and living?!
I don't know what scares me the most - being alone, being healthy, having no identity, having no life, having an eating disorder/mental illness that NO ONE can see and NO ONE seems to understand (apart from you girls)
I was reading this blog and it said this...
It’s as if when I’m not eating, I feel the pain less, but I know I cannot sustain this indefinitely, and I’m terrified of having to rejoin life. I think if I started eating more, and feeling the pain, I could not go on, yet I know I must, for my kids.
It made perfect sense to me. I am scared of life.
My
therapist keeps telling me that my eating disorder is a coping
mechanism, a self harm all to do with my BPD but what if it's not. What
if my eating disorder is the cause?!What if my fear of life is causing the eating disorder?
Yes my eating disorder helps me cope with stress, but that's because i focus all my energy on my eating disorder and avoid the actual problem that is causing the stress.
As horrible as the eating disorder is, as much as I hate struggling and I hate having an eating disorder, life appears much more scary. I don't know if i will ever know what it is I am truly afraid of or if the fear is really real, but in my head it is and it is driving me towards anorexia yet again.
My eating disorder is like a merry go round at the fun-fair. I am drawn to it cos of the pretty lights, the noise it makes and cos I think it helps/I think it is what I need but in actual fact I forget that the merry-go-round doesn't take me anywhere, it just goes around and around in circles, the horses never change colour, nothing ever changes and as much as I want to get off and take a new direction I just can't seem to escape this.
I am at a cross roads and as much as i want to continue on the right path it is so incredibly hard, the eating disorder seems so easy and so comforting - why am i scared of life and living?!
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