I am struggling to get a grip. I am struggling to keep a hold of reality right now
I am sorry for tagging. You girls just all help me so much and I don't know how else to try and help myself
I'm supposed to just take it a day at a time, and just make a plan to get through the next meal time.
I'm supposed to just keep going 3 steps forward and 1 step back - so long as I am still moving forward
I'm am supposed to keep the bigger picture in mind whilst only planning one meal ahead.
I need to think of my health and why I am trying so hard to recover, why I am doing DBT, how I want to stop self harming and I want to be free.
I need to think of my work and how if I restrict and starve my brain of energy and fuel that I won't be able to concentrate, and if I can't concentrate I make mistakes and if I make mistakes I get in trouble and work slips
I need to think of my squash and how I want this year to be a competitive year and how I want to do well and to do well I need to eat to fuel my body to play and play well.
Joanne asked me at what point do I think of all of this and and what point will it make me eat something?
I said I wasn't sure, cos logically I can see I NEED to eat but emotionally I just can't justify it, physically I just can't do itWhere is the line that I am so close to crossing, back into full blown anorexia? I think I am damn close - after 4 months of trying to do well with eating, learning to cook, going out for dinners, enjoying new foods and now I am stuck and confused and hating it all.I don't want to starve.
I want to lose weight.
I don't want to struggle.
I can't eat.
I want to keep fighting this.
But unsure how.
Since coming home from Melbourne I have been good, I got a promotion at work, I partied lots and enjoyed dinners and drinks and social events but all I can think about is "must lose weight" "must stay in control" "must starve"
I HATE THIS ONGOING BATTLE. please take my eating disorder away from me. I don't want this. I want to keep going out and enjoying dinners
Does this ever end? Where does this end? when does the wheel of anorexia stop spinning? cos i don't want to be stuck but I just don't know how.
No one seems to know anything
I am sorry for tagging. You girls just all help me so much and I don't know how else to try and help myself
I'm supposed to just take it a day at a time, and just make a plan to get through the next meal time.
I'm supposed to just keep going 3 steps forward and 1 step back - so long as I am still moving forward
I'm am supposed to keep the bigger picture in mind whilst only planning one meal ahead.
I need to think of my health and why I am trying so hard to recover, why I am doing DBT, how I want to stop self harming and I want to be free.
I need to think of my work and how if I restrict and starve my brain of energy and fuel that I won't be able to concentrate, and if I can't concentrate I make mistakes and if I make mistakes I get in trouble and work slips
I need to think of my squash and how I want this year to be a competitive year and how I want to do well and to do well I need to eat to fuel my body to play and play well.
Joanne asked me at what point do I think of all of this and and what point will it make me eat something?
I said I wasn't sure, cos logically I can see I NEED to eat but emotionally I just can't justify it, physically I just can't do itWhere is the line that I am so close to crossing, back into full blown anorexia? I think I am damn close - after 4 months of trying to do well with eating, learning to cook, going out for dinners, enjoying new foods and now I am stuck and confused and hating it all.I don't want to starve.
I want to lose weight.
I don't want to struggle.
I can't eat.
I want to keep fighting this.
But unsure how.
Since coming home from Melbourne I have been good, I got a promotion at work, I partied lots and enjoyed dinners and drinks and social events but all I can think about is "must lose weight" "must stay in control" "must starve"
I HATE THIS ONGOING BATTLE. please take my eating disorder away from me. I don't want this. I want to keep going out and enjoying dinners
Does this ever end? Where does this end? when does the wheel of anorexia stop spinning? cos i don't want to be stuck but I just don't know how.
No one seems to know anything
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