Purging

So i have gotten into a cycle of purging after dinner.
I got away with it a few days ago.. i ate a roast dinner and felt disgusting so that little voice inside my head saying you can slip upstairs they are talking they wont even hear you.. so i did.
Althought i felt kinda guilty for doing it.. i also felt good in some strange way.
I felt like i was on a high cos i was back in control and empty!

I have done it 4 nights in a row. I get a massive headache afterwards but i feel good!!

I know its wrong but it feels so right!!

To Die or What??

So on the plane home today Kelly and I were talking bout my best mates friend who has bullimia and wants to chat to me.
Anyway the conversation got onto caring bout ourselves and i said that i know i am hurting myself but i dont care. And she asked what would i do/would i care if i was told i was gonna die tomoro cos of my anorexia.
I said NO. She asked why, and i said i wish for death so many times and wouldnt care.
She said that cant be entirely true, cos if i had wanted to die that much i would have done it by now.
Which i have attempted twice in the last 2 years and failed. But now im thinking.
How much do i want to die. She has made me think. If i wanted to die. I would just do it right.
So what am I waiting for?? Everytime i get close to hanging myself i chicken out cos i am affraid of who will find me and whatever else. But now i think if i get some sleeping tablets then whoever finds me it wont be so bad as finding me hanging.
Or i could jus jump in front of a train? Off the bridge down the road, then my sis wont find me. A stranger will.

I think i need to think about it.

I know what a massive disappointment i am. I have failed at everything, i want to recover- some days but i jus dont know if i can.
I am such a worthless waste of space. I could save my sister, my mum and my friends lots of worry and just end it all now. Save time, cos we all die sometime right.

I dont know. I feel a bit messed up. Wish i had some sleeping tablets then i could jus do it and go to sleep and never wake up, no scary build up jus sleep.

Im lost. I cant tell kelly cos she gets sick of hearing the same old shit from me. I get sick of it too. Thats another reason to do it. Stop all the shit.
I have already caused so much pain to those around me whats one more little thing gonna do.

Feb 09

I thought i would sum Feb up in as short as blog as i can do.

It was a hard month - i think it always will be.

My anti depressants started kicking in, so for a few days i was away with the fairies yet happy as anything.

But then as it closer to the 24th which marked the 2 year day since i was raped, i stopped sleeping completley and had nightmares.

The 23rd i broke down and my sister came in and got me and took me into her bed cos i was such a mess. Thankfully her husband was away on work. I went to sleep crying.

The night of the 24th my sister took me out to distract me which was probably the nicest thing someone has ever done for me. And i was so utterly exhuasted from 5 days of disturbed sleep that i managed to get a good 5 hours of sleep!

I lost a couple kgs, cos i panicked after coming home from Finland and weighing 52.9kgs. So i now sit at 50.2 or there abouts!! YAY! I would love to be 48kgs. but my sis wont let me.

Also had my assessment this month to figure out what kind of counselling would suit me best. I was a mess that day cos i was so nervous. But it was ok. Go back on thursday!

Found out my nana has cancer and my best mates little sister has bullimia. Both items of news made me cry so much.

I said to my best mate i can talk to her sis, cos she is like my little sis and i wanna help. So see what happens i guess.

Athens

So I'm on holiday in Athens, Ive been here since Thursday and its now Sunday night.
i can honestly say i have enjoyed myself but i wish i was normal.

Day 1. Thursday - I had lunch -a sandwich and diet coke bout 400 cals) then dinner i had 2 slices of pizza and more diet coke!
Day 2. Friday - I HAD BREAKFAST! Must have been the first time in i dont know how long. I had a toasted s/w thing and coffee... i somehow let my sister convince me that we would do enough walking that i would need something to eat cos lunch wouldnt be till later.
She was right - we had lunch bout 1pm (but i wasnt hungry cos i had eaten breakfast) i had a s/w and a coffee. Then dinner I had half a plate of seafood pasta. I went to bed full and cried my eyes out.
Day3. Breakfast again the same, lunch i had a salad... dinner we shared this platter, so i only had a meatball some calamari and some salad. But still felt full
Day 4. (today) No breakfast!! A cereal bar and coffee (80cals!!) lunch i had a chicken pita thing - i think it was high in cal cos of the way it was cooked but i didnt finish it which made me feel bit better. Dinner i had veal and vegetables but again only had 1 veal ball cos i was full.

Thing is i know i have done a lot of walking - like constantly for the last 3 days, but all i can think about it is - imagine how much weight i could have lost if i jus ate like i normally do and thats barely anything. I could be so much thinner than i am!

I am desperate to get home and weigh myself!!

3 Fails

So I thought i would do a good thing and make scones this afternoon.

I thought i was doing ok... then they came out flat and looked yuk! They tasted good but looked terrible. - Fail 1.

Then later when my sister got home i went out into the kitchen and said something to my sis and she jus replied "uh huh" and was scrubbing the sink. She was obviously pissed off that i hadnt completley cleaned the sink out - Fail 2

I thought i had cleaned it, cos i rinsed all the dishes then wiped out the sink. But obviously not good enough.

There is a guy I like (scott) and i told him i liked him in a txt a few weeks ago and he came down and stayed this weekend. He obviuosly doesnt like me cos he said nothing can happen with us cos things are complicated with a girl bac in NZ.
I feel bit stink. cos he knows i like him.. - Fail 3

Update

So i have an appointment at the hospital on Thursday with a physciatric nurse who is going to assess my mental needs.
Im so nervous...
1, its a huge step and i still not sure if want to get better.
i know its the right thing to do but i am just so damn scared to do it
2, its with a male... so im not sure how comfortable i will be talking to male about everything

Kelly has said she will come with me to support me.
Im gonna be a mess on Thursday - i know i will be!!

At the moment i feel like a fraud cos im 51kgs and eating every day! I am letting my control go and am getting fat, the guy is gonna take one look at me and think whats she need help for she is fat!

i havent eaten anything all day and im not sure whether i feel good about it or not. I feel good cos i feel empty and in control but i feel guilty cos i know its wrong not eating....
I jus need to be thin!
Its the only way im happy!

I keep telling myself i cant get better cos i put on a few kgs and i hate myself!!!

i dunno what im doing

Mmmmmmm chocolate pudding

So am sitting here and all i can smell is chocolate pudding that kelly and vaughan are eating! It smells so good. But i know if i had one i would jus sit here and stare at it.

I am on anti depressants now- to try and lift my mood. I took the prescribed dose the first night but i felt too sick so have cut the dose in half for now.
I dont think they have really taken affect yet.

Booked a trip to Amsterdam with my mate. Something to look forward to :)

Sometimes living here i feel like i am stuck in this anorexia - where as at work, no one knows about it, So when i eat a packet of crisps i dont feel like im being watched. I dunno. its werid.
I love living here and kelly is great but she doesnt understand this. Shes trying but sometimes its jus not enough.
If i dont eat breakfast she will say something like "oh your not eating again i see" and i feel bad.

Sometimes i jus want her to leave me alone and let me do what i want!!
Then sometimes im glad she comes into my room and chats to me.

Drinking

The last couple of times i have been drinking i jus get really upset and end up hurting myself.

Last night i was round at Georginas house and had finished my bottle of wine - everything was going well until they started tlking about food then Rach started telling me that i had to eat otherwise i will die. I jus felt like i was being cornered. And it didnt help that i was drunk cos i jus got upset.

I dont think i should drink for a while. I jus get too upset - and then all i want to do is kill myself.

i jus feel so down sometimes - and for no reason. Usually when i get left on my own or like last night I told Kelly me and george are thinking of going to amsterdam for a weekend and she got on the computer and was telling me where she went and felt like she was takin over. Even tho i know she is only trying to help. I always feel so useless next to her.

I know i need to change - but i jus dont kno if i can !!

Things so far

Alot has happened in the last few weeks.

I went and spoke to the doctor on Friday and told her everything.
I was so scared. Kelly met me there and when i said i wanted to go home and couldnt do this, instead of saying OK like my mum would have. She said you can do it.

So i told the doctor evrything. The rape the ED and the self harm. She said that i am coping really well for someone who has goe thru this, the thing is i didnt think i was coping very well. But after thinking about it. I guess i am. But i dont have much choice really.

So she has referred me for counselling but its thu the mental health group and could take up to 2 months before i can speak to someone.

So thats the first step done.

also found out my bones are quite bad. close to a 50 year olds bones. :(

I sorta feel good that ive done it. But im worried about the cost of counselling and what its gonna do to me.

I cut myself again last friday. I was drunk and had been out with Rachel (who is tiny, and i felt so digusting next to her) I dont know why i enjoy cutting myself. It jus comforting to know that if i need to i can inflict external pain on myself. Its a nice distraction from the internal pain.

More Tears

So since xmas i have been a roller coaster of emotions. Boxing day my sister seen my plaster on my wrist and asked what happened and i said nothing - she couldnt ask anymore cos we were around everyone. But the next day when we were alone she asked what really happened and wouldnt believe me when i said it was nothinng.
I dont know why i cut my wrist when i have always cut my legs!!
So we had a chat bout things and she said she really wants me to go and see someone and said that whenever i feel like that to tell her, no matter when or whatever.
She said she wont force me to go and see someone but doesnt wanna see me like this anymore.

To be honest. I dont wanna be like this anymore either.

So New Years - went away to Scotland with friends from London. I have never felt so alone before in my life. I spent the last night in bed cos i was over being surrounded by happy drunk people. When all i feel when i get drunk is suicidal!!