I've had a very draining day today, I went to visit my friend and she said that my mum is/was very upset
She doesn't know how to cope with a daughter who isn't "normal" (<-- Grrrr I hate that term) and not perfect.
Last week after finding out I had been in hospital again for self harming, she wanted to disown me - she was angry, frustrated and upset that I had talked to our friend rather than opening up to her about what is going through my head/was going through my head when I self harmed that night.
To be honest- I would love to know the percentage of daughters that truly and honestly open up to their mothers, for me, I look up to my mum and I have this idea of being a good daughter, I want her to look at me in a light that is good. I don't want her to know I am struggling, I want to be the confident amazing person she thought she had raised, not some struggling, borderline, anorexic misfit floating through life in no general direction.
So anyway whilst talking to my friend she said that mum is ok now, they chatted for a while about things and the friend managed to convince my mum not to disown me and that I still need her around, I don't need her as a best friend, I need her as a support. The problem with that is that I know my mum cannot offer me the emotional support I need from her : hence another reason I don't open up to her honestly. I know she can't handle it the way I would like her to handle it.
I'm glad she hasn't cut me off and stopped talking to me, although seeing her today was difficult, there definitely was some extra tension and weirdness going on between us.
We always talk about mundane things - the weather, work, my brother, her new blinds, the latest purchase or something few and far between but even that was a struggle today.
I don't know what to do to make things better.
I know I am not perfect - far from it. I know I am not normal - also far from it. But shouldn't a mother love unconditionally - not judge and play on emotions the way my mother sometimes does.
She doesn't know how to cope with a daughter who isn't "normal" (<-- Grrrr I hate that term) and not perfect.
Last week after finding out I had been in hospital again for self harming, she wanted to disown me - she was angry, frustrated and upset that I had talked to our friend rather than opening up to her about what is going through my head/was going through my head when I self harmed that night.
To be honest- I would love to know the percentage of daughters that truly and honestly open up to their mothers, for me, I look up to my mum and I have this idea of being a good daughter, I want her to look at me in a light that is good. I don't want her to know I am struggling, I want to be the confident amazing person she thought she had raised, not some struggling, borderline, anorexic misfit floating through life in no general direction.
So anyway whilst talking to my friend she said that mum is ok now, they chatted for a while about things and the friend managed to convince my mum not to disown me and that I still need her around, I don't need her as a best friend, I need her as a support. The problem with that is that I know my mum cannot offer me the emotional support I need from her : hence another reason I don't open up to her honestly. I know she can't handle it the way I would like her to handle it.
I'm glad she hasn't cut me off and stopped talking to me, although seeing her today was difficult, there definitely was some extra tension and weirdness going on between us.
We always talk about mundane things - the weather, work, my brother, her new blinds, the latest purchase or something few and far between but even that was a struggle today.
I don't know what to do to make things better.
I know I am not perfect - far from it. I know I am not normal - also far from it. But shouldn't a mother love unconditionally - not judge and play on emotions the way my mother sometimes does.
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