What I want....

I want someone who is going to look at the bigger picture, not deal with my borderline personality, someone who can help me understand the triggers and why I act impulsively without blaming the bpd. 

I want to find out why I am holding on to this stupid eating disorder, why I still resort to self harm when I am learning these amazing skills, where do these impulses come from and why are they so strong that i sometimes act on them yet other times reach out and get help.

I don't want to say this will kill me, or I will get better by a certain time, I am living in this hell hole, so while I am here I may as well try and create a liveable darkness. I want to be able to hold a match in the darkness while I am ultimately searching for the light switch ( I am sure it is here somewhere )

I want a life worth living, free from restricting, calorie counting obsessively, scared of mirrors, of pasta, of judgement and full of love not only from someone amazing and kind but love for myself, love of my self. 

Why am I holding on to my eating disorder? What does it give me? What do I think that it gives me in times of stress, I don't know if I will ever be able to find the answers to these questions, or will this new therapist  be able to help me find all this out.

I don't want a time frame on recovery, it's a journey and a process not a destination. It's a slow process that's for sure, it's a day at a time, a meal at a time, an hour at a time some days but it cannot be rushed or pushed or forced it must come gradually and steadily and most of all willingly.

Life is not a destination, life is a journey and as horrible and dark and twisted it is - this is my life but I will be damned if it is going to bring me down any further cos rock bottom is becoming a very solid familiar ground and that dead end is just a place to turn around. 

I don't know how to stop these thoughts, these urges, these little demons but maybe I don't need to know - maybe I just need to be ... maybe I just need to live and recognize these thoughts and urges and demons and live 

Recovery comes when there is worth, when the light at the end of the tunnel suddenly brightens and the it can be seen to be worth the climb. I'm not 100% convinced I am there yet, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I know it is there but I am just not sure it is worth the up hill battle I know is ahead of me if I really want to get there. 

Freedom - from what though, my life, the darkness, I am so used to the darkness it has become my friend (not saying my ed is my friend) just saying where my head is at the moment, everything messed up and twisted feels like it is my comfort.