Therapy f*cking Thursday

Therapy Thursday
Talked to death my self harming on sat night.
Realised I think too much and battle too much with myself about should i cut should I not when I should stop and realise that the urge to self harm is a prompt for me and it tells me I am having an emotion, I need to stop and think what emotion am I having. ( fear, anger, guilt) what is the emotion? What has happened that is causing me to have this emotion, am I making a judgement on the situation and the comment and myself and is that what has brought on this emotion, can I Teflon mind the comment, the judgement and the feeling, can I bring in my rational mind and question myself
Aparantly I have a big red flashing button on my head that says press me and it's a trigger for my emotions, that button consists of anything surrounding my weight, how I look, food, body shape, body image, me.

It sounds hard, it sounds fucking logical and makes sense to not think about the solution and think about the cause... It sounds hard
Especially when I sometimes like self harm as a solution, it conveys my pain and my emotion without me having to voice it and have people judge me for it. But it also has consequences which don't help me to create a life worth living and that is the ultimate goal

So we spent an hour taking apart my self harm on Saturday night that I didn't get to talk about anything else.
I desperately need to come up with a plan of action for me going to the police about Ryan. I am terrified of it.
How am I going to do it? What if he comes after me? What if gets someone else to hurt me?
I need to I to the police but my fear of the outcome is stoping me.
I wanted to talk about my HUGE anxiety about going to the specialist about my smear and colposcopy :/
But no time to talk about that- the hour is up!!!!

Psych is going to talk to the edl nurse about helping me find a new doctor in town that I can visit more often who is female and is sensitive about eating disorders- that in itself scares me... Telling my story to someone new, starting over with someone new AGAIN

Goal for this week is to observe and describe the emotion I am having which is driving the self harm urge then if I can, Teflon mind that shit away and live a happy and NORMAL fucking existence
don't press my big red flashing button