Thursday therapy... Again

Therapy Thursday- its been a while, well it feels like it has.
She thinks fear runs my life.
She wants me to eat more.
She wants me to do a observe and describe sheet when I have an emotion higher than 3 (out of5)
She pre warned me that she can't see me next week she can't see me cos she's in Wellington

I'm starting to wonder why is the point. I told her my urges to quit therapy is high, what I couldn't be honest about was why.
Why I feel like there is no point to seeing someone who I don't feel like I am connecting with. It's like I don't care if she helps or not. I don't even want her to help. I dont even try with her. With Melodie I cared if I disappointed her, I listened and wanted to try, I wanted to believe it would get better, I wanted it to get better. Now- it doesn't seem to matter. Trish isn't string through to me now, how is she going to get through to me in 6 months time.
I'm supposed to let go of my old psychologist and I've tried but I just felt so different when I was seeing her.
I've been seeing Trish for 3 months now - only 9 to go. I've gone from restricting to self harming and back to self harming. Yes ok fear may run my life but isn't anything Trish can do to change that. Walking home and I'm thinking to myself how can I make it look like I'm eating and not restricting just to get her off my back.
I will do my fucking homework, I will observe an emotion and write it out but I won't give up my eating disorder- sorry doctor