Worries on Wednesday

They say that worrying is like a rocking chair - it gives you something to do but doesn't get you anywhere.....

I wish i could stop worrying.... even just for a minute

worried about:
1. My smear - i really really scared I have cervical cancer (sounds extreme but they said the moderate changes could indicate cancer) >.<


2. RYAN - he was my friend - who i loaned $500 too and never got back, then found out he used MY credit card to pay for his hotel bill and has now skipped town. So i have to go to the police and report it as fraud if i want to try and get the money back - and it's $793 so it's alot of money

3. Work - i am slipping behind cos I am so stressed and my main friend Debs, has been away for 2 weeks cos she is having troubles with her teenage daughter :'( I miss her and her hugs.

4. My self harming is OUT OF CONTROL. I think about it all the time. I have to wear a long sleeve top so i can't see my arms so i try and stop thinking about it.

5. I AM A BAD FRIEND. I have been neglecting my friends - both on here and my other friends from my other facebook. I am pushing people away and I don't know how not too. I am spending less and less time talking to my friends and more and more time talking to my mental illness friends :/

6. I am back restricting - 500 cals max a day. Resorted back to my comfort bowl. Shake for breakfast, salad greens or crackers for lunch and vegies or nothing for dinner. I'm back playing squash 3 times a week and netball once  a week which feels great but i know i should be eating more but i just can't

7. My sister - whom i haven't spoken too since Easter - I have txt her to try and have a conversation but i get barely anything back. I think she hates me.

I am paranoid about everything and everyone. Someone looks at me and I think they want to hurt me or are trying to infect me (with what I don't know)
I am tired - cos i'm not sleeping well and not eating well.
I am anxious cos i know i should be trying harder to do better but i just don't know how.
I have my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow and I'm pretty sure she is going to give up on me soon - and hey I can't blame her really

I am very quickly losing motivation and hope

I think this mental illness MAY kill me