3 Fails

So I thought i would do a good thing and make scones this afternoon.

I thought i was doing ok... then they came out flat and looked yuk! They tasted good but looked terrible. - Fail 1.

Then later when my sister got home i went out into the kitchen and said something to my sis and she jus replied "uh huh" and was scrubbing the sink. She was obviously pissed off that i hadnt completley cleaned the sink out - Fail 2

I thought i had cleaned it, cos i rinsed all the dishes then wiped out the sink. But obviously not good enough.

There is a guy I like (scott) and i told him i liked him in a txt a few weeks ago and he came down and stayed this weekend. He obviuosly doesnt like me cos he said nothing can happen with us cos things are complicated with a girl bac in NZ.
I feel bit stink. cos he knows i like him.. - Fail 3

Update

So i have an appointment at the hospital on Thursday with a physciatric nurse who is going to assess my mental needs.
Im so nervous...
1, its a huge step and i still not sure if want to get better.
i know its the right thing to do but i am just so damn scared to do it
2, its with a male... so im not sure how comfortable i will be talking to male about everything

Kelly has said she will come with me to support me.
Im gonna be a mess on Thursday - i know i will be!!

At the moment i feel like a fraud cos im 51kgs and eating every day! I am letting my control go and am getting fat, the guy is gonna take one look at me and think whats she need help for she is fat!

i havent eaten anything all day and im not sure whether i feel good about it or not. I feel good cos i feel empty and in control but i feel guilty cos i know its wrong not eating....
I jus need to be thin!
Its the only way im happy!

I keep telling myself i cant get better cos i put on a few kgs and i hate myself!!!

i dunno what im doing

Mmmmmmm chocolate pudding

So am sitting here and all i can smell is chocolate pudding that kelly and vaughan are eating! It smells so good. But i know if i had one i would jus sit here and stare at it.

I am on anti depressants now- to try and lift my mood. I took the prescribed dose the first night but i felt too sick so have cut the dose in half for now.
I dont think they have really taken affect yet.

Booked a trip to Amsterdam with my mate. Something to look forward to :)

Sometimes living here i feel like i am stuck in this anorexia - where as at work, no one knows about it, So when i eat a packet of crisps i dont feel like im being watched. I dunno. its werid.
I love living here and kelly is great but she doesnt understand this. Shes trying but sometimes its jus not enough.
If i dont eat breakfast she will say something like "oh your not eating again i see" and i feel bad.

Sometimes i jus want her to leave me alone and let me do what i want!!
Then sometimes im glad she comes into my room and chats to me.

Drinking

The last couple of times i have been drinking i jus get really upset and end up hurting myself.

Last night i was round at Georginas house and had finished my bottle of wine - everything was going well until they started tlking about food then Rach started telling me that i had to eat otherwise i will die. I jus felt like i was being cornered. And it didnt help that i was drunk cos i jus got upset.

I dont think i should drink for a while. I jus get too upset - and then all i want to do is kill myself.

i jus feel so down sometimes - and for no reason. Usually when i get left on my own or like last night I told Kelly me and george are thinking of going to amsterdam for a weekend and she got on the computer and was telling me where she went and felt like she was takin over. Even tho i know she is only trying to help. I always feel so useless next to her.

I know i need to change - but i jus dont kno if i can !!

Things so far

Alot has happened in the last few weeks.

I went and spoke to the doctor on Friday and told her everything.
I was so scared. Kelly met me there and when i said i wanted to go home and couldnt do this, instead of saying OK like my mum would have. She said you can do it.

So i told the doctor evrything. The rape the ED and the self harm. She said that i am coping really well for someone who has goe thru this, the thing is i didnt think i was coping very well. But after thinking about it. I guess i am. But i dont have much choice really.

So she has referred me for counselling but its thu the mental health group and could take up to 2 months before i can speak to someone.

So thats the first step done.

also found out my bones are quite bad. close to a 50 year olds bones. :(

I sorta feel good that ive done it. But im worried about the cost of counselling and what its gonna do to me.

I cut myself again last friday. I was drunk and had been out with Rachel (who is tiny, and i felt so digusting next to her) I dont know why i enjoy cutting myself. It jus comforting to know that if i need to i can inflict external pain on myself. Its a nice distraction from the internal pain.

More Tears

So since xmas i have been a roller coaster of emotions. Boxing day my sister seen my plaster on my wrist and asked what happened and i said nothing - she couldnt ask anymore cos we were around everyone. But the next day when we were alone she asked what really happened and wouldnt believe me when i said it was nothinng.
I dont know why i cut my wrist when i have always cut my legs!!
So we had a chat bout things and she said she really wants me to go and see someone and said that whenever i feel like that to tell her, no matter when or whatever.
She said she wont force me to go and see someone but doesnt wanna see me like this anymore.

To be honest. I dont wanna be like this anymore either.

So New Years - went away to Scotland with friends from London. I have never felt so alone before in my life. I spent the last night in bed cos i was over being surrounded by happy drunk people. When all i feel when i get drunk is suicidal!!

Christmas Day 2008

So i had told myself that i could do it and that i could pretend to be normal and happy for at least one day.
I ate snacks - cheese and crackers and olives before our lunch. And had wine and ate some turkey and potatoes and bread sauce and other yummy things. And felt good - for a while.

Then i tried calling my best mate and no answer - and everyone was making jokes about her cos of where she works and i felt crap cos it was like they were making fun of me.
So i tried to call her again- no answer, then i tried calling my 2 other best mates and no answer either. Then all of a sudden i realised i was alone. I have no one.

It didnt help that i had alot of alcohol in my system. So i said good night and went upstairs. And cried and cried and cried. I then cut myself. A couple small ones on my legs then i did one on my wrist and it bled and i think it is quite deep. I have never seen it like this. And it hurts alot!!

So after doing all of that i still felt terrrible and tried calling my friends again but no answer.
I decided the only thing to do was to kill myself. I used my hair straightner cord and tied it in a noose around my neck and went out onto my balcony in the freezing cold and stood there crying.
I didnt want to do it but felt it was my only choice.
I kept thinking someone was gonna come save me but no one did.
I went back inside after maybe 15 minutes and then Milly called.

I didnt answer the first time but then she txt me and called again and i answered and she talked me out of it. It was what i needed, someone to show they care.

I realised too that i didnt want my sister or her friend or their young boys to find me cos thats not fair on them.
This is not the time or the place. And if i am to do it. I need to take sleeping tablets so its not horrible on the person that finds me.

For now i will just smile and pretend like im ok.

I told my sister i will even have desert today. So there may be more tears tonight!!

Im not too sure

How i feel at the moment. Im torn between the need to be thin and the want to be happy.

I want to be happy and i know that the only way i can truly be happy is by gaining weight and eating properly. But right now i feel the only way i can be happy is if i am thinner.

I have no motivation to starve though, this is the problem. I dont want to eat but i am enjoying food too much to give it up altogether.

Work is the worst cos i get so bored that i start eating. I even have crisps some days. I need to do something else when i feel hungry - i just havent figured out what that other thing can be.

It was easy in the bakery - i was surrounded by food all day that i just didnt feel hungry.

I dont know how i feel and what to do really.

So the last few days

Ive been feeling really crappy about myself.

I weighed myself and it said 52kg!! Thats like 114 lbs!!
I sat on my floor and cried!! And now i feel worse than ever, cos i not only have gained weight but i look like ive gained weight, my tummy is all fat and bloated and i jus wanna starve myself but i CANT!
Im eating! And i cant stop. I feel like i need to make the choice and stick to it. I swing between eating and starving and its killing me. Im not happy for eating. I look disgusting and feel even worse. I cant be happy eating so i need to stop eating. But i jus cant, i get so hungry and then eat.
I hate myself for it. I have no strength to say no. Even tho my head is screaming at me not to eat!

Im such a mess. This prob doesnt even make much sense. I jus feel so upset with myself for letting myself get into this state!!

Sick :(

So ive been sick the last few days full of the flu.

But im still eating.
Its strange, i actually acknowledge when im hungry and eat. Ive had toast every morning this week and lunch and snacks (even a choc biscuit) and dinner.
Just before i eat i suddenly have second thoughts but then eat anyway. And i still feel guilty after eating but i am trying to ignore it.

I havent felt empty hungry all week.

Thing is, im scared that this isnt gonna last. Im scared im gonna wake up one morning and be back in that horrible place being controlled and hating myself as much as i used to.
I dont wanna go back there, i actually feel happy - i feel good about things and im actually enjoying eating.

What am i gonna do if she comes back - cos every time this has happened she (anorexia) has come back stronger than ever.
I am trying so hard to keep her away. I will ruin everything if i let her take control again. Im just not sure if i know how to fight her off. I dont know if im strong enough.

I know she is not 100% gone, i still cry at night after staring at myself for ages in the mirror. I think i just have to realise i am never going to be thin enough or pretty enough, i may as well just get used to it and start living my life!

Nobody really likes people with problems, everyone has enough problems of their own to have to worry about someone else. So im gonna either
1. continue eating and if she comes back i am just gonna hide it from kelly so she doesnt get worried. or
2. pretend like everything is ok then when i move to london next year i wont have anyone around watching over me and i will be able to eat or not eat or do whatever i want!

Althought i must admit it is sort of nice to be worried about. Its nice to know that someone cares.
Sometimes i just wish it was my mum that would worry and care about me.