Jordan

So i emailed my cousin to say:
I dont really kno what you are thinkin. And i completley understand that you dont understand it all.
I could try explainin my thoughts to you but i think it will jus confuse you more.
I want you to kno that im not doin this on purpose or to hurt you or anyone else. Its not cos of anyone or anything. Its cos of me. And how much i dislike myself.
Maybe one day - when i come home, i will get some help so that i can work thru all my shit. But right now im jus not ready to.
It sounds silly but its easier to carry on this way than to fight this. And i kno i am hurtin myself but im jus not ready to face up to it all yet.
I hope that you dont give up on me. But i can understand if you do.
I love you too bits and i will prob need your support when i am ready to deal with this. And i guess i can only hope you are still around when that time comes!
Im so sorry to put this on you and put you in this position.

She replied:
im just worried about you and feel helpless
i dont understand why you dont like your self but i no that it is the main cause of everything you do thats bad. i just wanna slap you out ov it. i mean fuk sake amy there are people out there who are worse of then you and have nothing going for them have no friends because they are freeks or watever. your being stupid and it makes me angre not feel sorry for you. i would feel sorry if i thought you actully had a promblem. ur not ugly or fat. i no alot of people who are worse then you and the dont sit around feeling dorry for themselfs. i no this may seem like im being mean but i am quite angre. i mean yea everyone has tough times look at opera winfree she wasd abused when she was younger but look at her now. one ov the strongest ladys in the world.
its how you deal with it.and your not dealing with it the right way


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And now i feel guilty and wish i hadnt have said anything.

Had a chat to my sis and she said she understands cos she thinks i am hell bent on hurting myself, and yeah maybe i am, maybe i deserve this maybe i dont. but ive come so far im not gonna give it up now!!

Comparing me to other people only makes me feel guilty - yes Oprah winfery was abused but im not Oprah Winfrey. I know im not the worst off in the world, so why the hell am i like this? why cant i be strong too???? i dont understand!!!!