Oh God There is food

So the guy that has been staying is cooking for everyone tonight, I sorta said "cool" instantly wondering how i can get out of it.
Im not hungy, I will save mine for tomoro were my words that i quietly whispered as my tummy rumbles at the smell of the vegetarian risotto being cooked in our kitchen
I am so hungry and I want the food, but at the same time, i dont want it.
I have been doing so well, I havent had dinner for 3 days now, and i didnt go for a run today so have no way of even trying to justifiy shoving food into my fat stomach.
I have had a cup of tea, which i savoured and now I am up in my room, with the smell of the vegies whafting up here like its teasing me, trying to trick me into thinking I should eat.
I know i dont want to... I have repeatedly told myself I cannot eat that tonight - i stood in front of the mirror my hip bones barely visable and told myself NOT TONIGHT -
I will be stronger. I will be anorexic -I will be thin again. And if i eat that delicious food down there - I will not be in control, I will only be disappointing an already huge disappoint that is myself.
I will watch some more SVU - and relive the moment I was attacked, reminding myself of why I do not get to eat tonight, or any other night.
I watch it and I feel connected to those actresses who portray their brutal attacks with such conviction and then get justice - which in turn makes me feel as though i am somehow getting justice too and making me realise im not alone, even though Olivia Benson will never come to save me and tell me it will all be ok. Its comforting to watch her empathic ways with so many others that it makes me feel safe again, if only for a short while.