i will admit that i have an eating disorder, i will also admit that things are alot worse than i like to pretend they are. I feel guilty for even admitting that!
I went out for dinner tonight with 2 friends, to a vietnamese restuarant. I was freaking out. I didnt kno the calorie content, so i didnt know what to order. We all chose a dish each and shared and i couldn decide so let them chose for me. I couldn join in the conversation cos i was thinking too much about how many cals were in what i was eating, and mentally adding them up.
And now im sitting on the train and realised i didnt enjoy myself, not cos of my company or cos of the food, but cos of this eating disorder. I was so worried and nervous i couldn relax. They dont know bout my ed but im pretty sure i was hard to be around tonight- and now i dont know whether to say something to them or not. Cos i feel like i should apologize, cos i was very awkward and quiet when the food arrived. And prob seemed grumpy or rude. I hated being out for dinner. I would much rather eat my own food, in my own house, at my own time.
I had 1 glass of wine, 1 mini fresh rice roll, 2 bite size pumpkin pieces- done in some sauce thing, 1 and a half pieces of fried tofu and 2 tablespoons of white rice. I really wanna know the calorie content but have no idea!
Iv gone right off alcohol- knowing how many cals are in wine, and also i hate feelin drunk, cos drunk = bad thoughts, drunk = eating, bingeing and purging.
Drunk = not feeling good about myself later.
Maybe i should just keep pretending that all is ok? Maybe it is all ok, and im just over reacting.
I need to remember i am still in control here, its my body, my mind- my control!
I went out for dinner tonight with 2 friends, to a vietnamese restuarant. I was freaking out. I didnt kno the calorie content, so i didnt know what to order. We all chose a dish each and shared and i couldn decide so let them chose for me. I couldn join in the conversation cos i was thinking too much about how many cals were in what i was eating, and mentally adding them up.
And now im sitting on the train and realised i didnt enjoy myself, not cos of my company or cos of the food, but cos of this eating disorder. I was so worried and nervous i couldn relax. They dont know bout my ed but im pretty sure i was hard to be around tonight- and now i dont know whether to say something to them or not. Cos i feel like i should apologize, cos i was very awkward and quiet when the food arrived. And prob seemed grumpy or rude. I hated being out for dinner. I would much rather eat my own food, in my own house, at my own time.
I had 1 glass of wine, 1 mini fresh rice roll, 2 bite size pumpkin pieces- done in some sauce thing, 1 and a half pieces of fried tofu and 2 tablespoons of white rice. I really wanna know the calorie content but have no idea!
Iv gone right off alcohol- knowing how many cals are in wine, and also i hate feelin drunk, cos drunk = bad thoughts, drunk = eating, bingeing and purging.
Drunk = not feeling good about myself later.
Maybe i should just keep pretending that all is ok? Maybe it is all ok, and im just over reacting.
I need to remember i am still in control here, its my body, my mind- my control!
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