I am slowly isolating myself more and more
Staying home every Friday and Saturday night, making excuses why I can't make dinners.
I really don't know how I got to this point, or where the next point is.
I want to go out partying, drinking, dancing and socalising but the thought of that scares me so much - even thinking about it raises my anxiety
In the last 6 months since coming home, I have slowly been on the decline.
Wonder where the bottom is?
I feel like the walls are slowly caving in around me and I don't have the strength left in me to keep holding them up!
I am playing alot of squash, mum encouraged me to get back into it, she even paid for my membership and fee's, gave me a racket and paid for 1/2 of my shoes!! :/ I want to do well and be healthy for that reason but I just cant seem to do it.
I eat barely anything and it fills me up, I have no appetite - AT ALL. I am never hungry and I know have to force myself to eat. I need someone to remind me to eat otherwise i just dont do it!
I am aching and sore all the time - when i lie in bed i cant get comfy cos my body is sore. It feels like its going to fall or snap or something. I have a bone scan next friday to find out how healthy (or not) my bones are.
The only amazing thing in my life right now is my job - which I love, i think without I would go insane. I love the people, i love my role. I love that there is heaps of opportunity to learn and develop and that I am building a career. This also probably doesn't help as it leads me to convince myself I AM OK when maybe i'm not really.
My nana is dying of cancer - which i am slowly coming to terms with, it is still heartbreaking to watch her suffer some times but it has also shown me the strength that is so obvious - she is a super incredibly strong old lady and I wish i had her strength to fight my illness.
Anyway the tittle of this blog is ISOLATION - as that is what I am slowly doing and as much as it sucks i also enjoy it, it means i get to sleep lots cos I'm not out partying, I save money cos I'm not out drinking, I dont embarrass myself cos I'm not drinking and I also get to focus more on losing weight (i mean being healthy) and staying in control of my surroundings (i.e my house) My house, my comfort, my life!
It is all about control and i will control my isolation before it controls me.
Staying home every Friday and Saturday night, making excuses why I can't make dinners.
I really don't know how I got to this point, or where the next point is.
I want to go out partying, drinking, dancing and socalising but the thought of that scares me so much - even thinking about it raises my anxiety
In the last 6 months since coming home, I have slowly been on the decline.
Wonder where the bottom is?
I feel like the walls are slowly caving in around me and I don't have the strength left in me to keep holding them up!
I am playing alot of squash, mum encouraged me to get back into it, she even paid for my membership and fee's, gave me a racket and paid for 1/2 of my shoes!! :/ I want to do well and be healthy for that reason but I just cant seem to do it.
I eat barely anything and it fills me up, I have no appetite - AT ALL. I am never hungry and I know have to force myself to eat. I need someone to remind me to eat otherwise i just dont do it!
I am aching and sore all the time - when i lie in bed i cant get comfy cos my body is sore. It feels like its going to fall or snap or something. I have a bone scan next friday to find out how healthy (or not) my bones are.
The only amazing thing in my life right now is my job - which I love, i think without I would go insane. I love the people, i love my role. I love that there is heaps of opportunity to learn and develop and that I am building a career. This also probably doesn't help as it leads me to convince myself I AM OK when maybe i'm not really.
My nana is dying of cancer - which i am slowly coming to terms with, it is still heartbreaking to watch her suffer some times but it has also shown me the strength that is so obvious - she is a super incredibly strong old lady and I wish i had her strength to fight my illness.
Anyway the tittle of this blog is ISOLATION - as that is what I am slowly doing and as much as it sucks i also enjoy it, it means i get to sleep lots cos I'm not out partying, I save money cos I'm not out drinking, I dont embarrass myself cos I'm not drinking and I also get to focus more on losing weight (i mean being healthy) and staying in control of my surroundings (i.e my house) My house, my comfort, my life!
It is all about control and i will control my isolation before it controls me.
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