Such a Failure

I hate the fact that i get hungry then i eat. I want to go back to I'm think I'm hungry but I'm not sure, ah well not really that hungry so don't need any food. I want that feeling of self control and the strength to say NO thanks to food and yes please to happiness.
I've had lunch AND dinner every day this week. And i today i had some toast before work! What the hell is wrong with me. I have lost all control and will power. I don't need the food i just want it.
I hate eating, I hate feeling full. I hate getting fat!!
I'm now 50.8kgs so now im 111lbs. Pretty soon if i carry on the way I'm going i will be 53kgs, then 55 then 60! Then i will kill myself cos i will be so fat.

Why did i agree to recovery?? I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I'm only doing it to please Kelly.

I feel like Kelly is angry at me, Or upset about something. I must have done something. I must've said something or done something to upset her. But i don't know what.
Maybe she has just had enough of me. I understand why. I have had enough of me. I'm over it.
She hasn't spoken anymore about recovery. I spoke about food and how i'm feeling for the first time in about a week. And she didnt really say much. I know that she doesnt ask me lots of questions all the time cos she doesnt wanna overwhelm me or anything and thats nice. But at the same time I think she may be moving too slow.

I am being tempted more and more to go without food, the thing is i don't have the will power to actually go hungry. But that will come back soon. I know how disgusting I feel after eating and it won't be long until i think about that BEFORE i eat and then just pass on the food.
The voice is coming back.
I lie awake in bed and cry cos i think about the food i have eaten. I did 300 sit ups last night cos i felt so horrible and today i was home alone for 2 hours. I spent 20 minutes running up and down the stairs. I stopped when i felt dizzy and then sat on the floor and actually felt good.
But now I've had dinner so i conteracted all that great work i did.
Will be sure to do some sit ups tonight and squats and lunges.
Its hard to work out when you have to be super quiet!
I think i just need to cut back on food rather than starve straight away. But i'm gonna have to be more careful cos Kelly is not silly. Which is rather annoying. I could get away with days of starving around mum. But not anymore!!